Well hello everyone.
I’m new to Red room and have not really had the opportunity to spend much time on the site since I joined, as my computer crashed and has just only recently been fixed. I received the email with the topic of the week title ‘saying good-bye’ and it evoked enough emotion inside ofme to inspire me to write my first blog! Saying ‘good-byes’ Well I am no stranger to this subject, like most of us are not! We face good-byes on a regular basis. Most of our good-byes don’t really have a major effect on us! In fact a lot of the time, they can go un-noticed.
The good-bye that has been one of the most significant good-byes in my life to date was the one in which I said goodbye to my mother, who died of cancer of the colon in 2001. My mam had been diagnosed with cancer in the summer of 2001, when she had an emergency operation to remove a large tumour from her Colon, the doctors at the time were 99.9 % confident that the tumour and surrounding cancer tissue had been removed so my mam and the rest of the family including myself breathed a sigh of relief, little did we know that 6 weeks after the surgery, my mam would no longer be with us.
If we had known that her cancer was terminal I’m sure that my mam and the rest of the family would have planned her remaining time with us in a lot more detail so that we were better prepared for that ‘final goodbye’.
I often play back in my mind when I am in a reflective mood, the changes that we could have made to make things a little easier to deal with that painful good-bye. Unfortunately what ever conclusion I ever arrive at is never going to change the outcome, as we all know ‘we can’t change our past’.
I found out only two days before my mother passed away at the age of 54 that her illness was terminal and that it was only a matter of time before she left this earth. It’s quite difficult to get your head around something like that being said to you. The time went by so quickly in those two days but at the same time it was like it was being played out in slow motion. (this doesn’t make sense – I know – but it’s the only description that I can give it)
We wanted to stay as normal as possible for my mother and didn’t want to show any fear, my family and I were sure that mam was dealing with - and carrying all the fear for all of us! My mother lost consciousness on my 2 nd wedding Anniversary which also happened to be on the same day as one of the most memorable terrorist attacks to happen in history ‘the Twin Towers’ September the 11th 1999.I f you have ever watched anyone die, you will know that even when someone loses consciousness they are still aware of sounds. During the period from when my mother lost consciousness to when she passed away the following evening, we talked and laughed and cried. We talked to my mother about the wonderful person that she was and how much love she had given us in our life and how much of an inspiration she had been to everyone who had ever come into contact with her. We laughed at all the funny things that she had done with us as kids and I suppose did a talking biography of her life.
We knew that she could hear us, as every now and again she would make a sound or breathe differently which we knew was a sign that she was trying to communicate with us.
Watching her die was one of the most painful experiences of my life, in the end my family and I begged her to give up her fight and lay to rest, she was so distress and we didn’t want her to suffer.
I can not put into words the feelings and true raw emotion of such an event, but I can tell you that the love that was in that room on the night that she died was one of the most intense and moving experiences that I have ever experienced. My mother left this world, knowing that we had said goodbye.
I wrote the following poem as a way of trying to explain what happened and how we said goodbye.
What we going to do
What we going to do when your time has come.
How we going to cope when your life has gone.
We don't want to face the pain of losing you.
How we gonna go on when your life moves on through.
You helped us all stay strong when you new what was wrong.
You never showed your fear you said, just get on.
Enjoy all you have and don't waste any time.
For life is just so fragile enjoy your precious time.
You put up such a fight you didn't want to go
When you reached the light we said just let go.
I couldn’t imagine life without my bestest friend
But time has proved a point that all things have an end.
You helped us all prepare for things that could go wrong.
You gave us all a strength that's hidden in our soul.
When were feeling hurt we open up the well
and pull on our reserves to get us through the spell.
Youre watching from afar to make sure were ok,
your star just keeps on shining no matter were we are.
We use it as a guidance when were most in need
to helps us through the darkness and gives us what we need.
You show us all the light that has to come to earth
because life is created from the richness of the earth.
I never thought that happiness could ever be restored
but your guiding light has brought me so much thought.
I now appreciate beauty and the richness of my thoughts,
they help me find my balance and restored my happy thoughts.