I couldn't believe it when I heard those words, the words that have victimized so many modern men, stripping them of their manhood, reducing them to eunuchs: 

"Your cell phone is terrible."

Worse, I was hearing it from one who knows me best: my wife.

Oh, the pain...the embarassment. 

Hot tears stung my eyes and soaked my cheeks as I sought a meaningful answer. "I know," I replied after several deep breaths to steady myself. "It's a piece of shit."

It was my third day away, my third time talking to her, my third time hearing that painful condemnation of my personal technology. I'd tried calling her from my room, downtown outside and outside by the river, and each time heard that same bottom line: "Your cell phone is terrible. I can barely hear you."

How can it be terrible? It can't be terrible. It's a smart phone, this year's Samsung model, supported by Verizon, 4G capable. In addition to being a phone (so they claim), it's a camera, can receive email, browse the net, download movies to watch, download or stream music, has a calculator, a couple games, some things that I haven't investigated yet, and converts into a Swiss Army knife with a corkscrew, phillips head and universal screwdriver, scissors, pen knife, steak knife, carving knife, spoon....

Just kidding about the Swiss Army knife. Doesn't have any of that. Time will tell, though. I'm sure such a phone is on the way. Maybe it's out there and I'm just unaware of its existence and I'm displaying my ignorance to the world. 

Well, not the first time I've displayed my ignorance and if I live more than a minute more, I'll probably display it again. 

Question, though. Why do we call it a phillips head screwdriver while the other is known as a universal  screwdriver and not a universal head screwdriver? Actually, as I write, memory's sluggish syrup is flowing and I dimly recall my father in law referencing a flat head screwdriver. 

Another instance of ignorance on display.

My phone frustrates me. It seems like it added so many bells and whistles that it lost track of what it's supposed to do for me. I've named Audrey, after Little Shop of Horror and its star carnivorous plant, Audrey. If you remember, Audrey always cried, Feed me, Seymour.

Same with my phone. It's always asking me to recharge. When it drops to 30% power left, it goes into a conserve mood where it quits checking emails and collecting updates. 

So my smart phone's phone capability sucks, and my wife has confirmed it. You should see the pictures that it takes, though. I can send them via email and post them on FB in seconds. Just don't call my cell to talk about them.