The ones are out in force.
You know the ones. The ones are the ones that stop you, belittle you, betray you....
They are the ones within you that you can't control.
The battle with myself remains. The ones are challenging my decision.
I was firm in it. I thought all of me agreed. It doesn't.
I said, "Yes, I'm self-publishing, going the D route." I thought I was comfortable with the decision and logic. Pieces of me, though, disagree. "You're giving up too easily," they tell me. "You're surrendering."
"What am I surrendering?" I argued back to myself as I went through the day and night. "The goal is to write and be published. Are the means critical to the end?"
"No, but the means are critical to your dreams of being a published writer. Self publishing still carries a stigma that you dislike. You're trying to dismiss it but you're failing. We're proof of that."
"Ah, stigma. You call it stigma. I call it pride and vanity."
"Whatever you call it, being published and not being self-published is something you want. You can't let it go that easily."
"Who are you to tell me what I can and can't do?" I asked myself. "Who is in charge here?"
Laughter answered. "Nobody is in charge. You think you're in charge but we do things behind your back that undermine and lessen your authority and power every day.
"You're the one who says you're dieting to eat healthier and lose weight. We're the ones ordering a piece of pie.
"You're the one who vows to cut down on bread and cheese. We're the ones saying yes to the wife when she asks if you want her to get you a sandwich while she's out.
"You're the one who says you're going to walk and exercise more. We're the ones who look at that cold fog and suggests taking the car.
"Face it, when you're fighting us, you're just one. We are many. You are weak. We are strong."
They had many strong, emotional points, not about the writing and publishing process but about my dreams and who I am. They swayed and weakened me with guilt, fear, and self-doubt. "You've come this far," they whispered. "Don't give in. Keep trying to get published. Keep trying the traditional route."
The bastards. They really know how to push my buttons.
Causes Michael Seidel Supports
Kiva, Women's International League for Peace and Freedom, Propublica.org, Doctors Without Borders, GreaterGood.com