Think I have some handle on why I'm down today.
The weather disappoints me. Irrational, yes, but the forecast calls for snow tomorrow and Thursday, and lows in the 20s. I was embracing spring and she's been pulled from my arms.
It's a cruel blow. I'd cut the grass, was beginning initiate plans for improving things. Now -- dashed again. It wouldn't bother me so much were it not for the other two Ws.
Writing...is writing but I realized that my first short story was published over a decade ago. I was so excited, and getting such lovely comments and feedback. I thought, finally made it. I'm a writer. A decade later, I'm still struggling. So I ask myself, what happened to me? I've written first novels but never did anything with them.
Work - ah, lovely work. I was a bit pissed. One of the emails passing through my inbox was a request from one co-worker to the development team about the cost of goods for a new product. Tracking and maintaining COGS fell into my realm. Yet, I was the CC on the email request.
There's two other things to be gleaned about the email. The person requesting it was probably directed to request it as part of a planning meeting, a meeting which didn't include me, the planner. Then, as a follow up, my boss asked someone else for the forecast, another of my responsibilities. It's like I ceased to exist.
It's my boss's style. He's a thoughtless manager, poor at looking ahead, organizing processes and standardizing them. He's a linear thinker, great at taking on a problem at hand, especially if it's a fire, not so good at looking further down the road and trying to figure out what might cause a fire. Abstract thinking is one of his weaknesses.
His other is communication. He's not good at it, doesn't understand the ideas behind establishing and nuturing overarching visions, creating structure, et cetera.
On my side, I'm affected by my weaknesses, my thin skin, and my inability to express myself forcefully enough unless I get agitated, riding emotional waves. I'm ideal for working alone at home if I have a boss engaging enough to bring me out of my shell and give me emotional support. My current boss doesn't understand that.
I considered quitting. Why bother to be there, other than my busy work and a few actual tasks once every few months? That would be spiting myself, though. If they want to pay me but not task me, isn't that their right? Why should I deprive them?
Well, clearly, I wanted to make them pay, to feel my pain. They wouldn't have felt pain. It'd be an annoyance, a gnat at their ear. No, better to suffer and cope, even though part of me asks, with sharp bitterness, aren't you selling out and ignoring your principles if you stay?
I have a wife coping with diseases and illnesses. I have the money but I think the stress added if I were unemployed would ravage her. We know from our reading that stress increases her symptom's occurrence. But you know, when I'm concentrating on something and she gets up a couple hours later and sets up her computer and starts playing a game, then the cats come in singing, jumping up on my desk, trying to get on my lap...well, it's irritating.
So, suck it up. That's probably the fourth piece of this, that I must suck it up, suck it up and keep working. I tell myself and I know that there are far worse things in life, and that like 99% of the people in the United States have it worse than me.
That's intellectual. My issue is emotional. I just need to become better at coping with it.
Looking back at today's entire thought spectrum, I see how much I cause my own pain, by my nature and immaturity. Some of it is due to missed expectations. I thought this would happen, or that, and I would be someone else. That hasn't happened.
Out of all of this, it's a good day. I understand now how much I don't understand myself, and see how I need to take greater control of my life, and even my destiny. Just got to get off this pity pot and shake myself hard.
On to tomorrow.
Causes Michael Seidel Supports
Kiva, Women's International League for Peace and Freedom, Propublica.org, Doctors Without Borders, GreaterGood.com