I was about to write about the George Zimmerman verdict. My wife and I are appalled, and even more appalled by the Fox News coverage of the decision. But – a more important matter came to my attention: tampons and other weapons of feminine hygiene protection.
As many men have long suspected, tampons, maxi pads, etc., are very, very dangerous. We’ve never had absolute proof of this, just suspicions predicated on circumstantial evidence related to women's need to pack them almost continuously and keep them stashed in restrooms. Now, though, the Texas legislature confirmed that tampons are very dangerous, more dangerous than guns. That must be true because we all accept that actions speak louder than words. Words can be used to coax and seduce. Words can be the tools of lies and story tellers spreading falsehoods and fictions.
But actions are solid and visible. Yes, they can be disputed, as in the Trayvon Martin case – I mean, I’m going to have to think twice about confronting someone stalking me now, since my stalker can shoot me because they fear for their life – but in the Case of the Texas Legislature and the Tampons, the actions were out there for all to witness.
The sergeant at arms in Texas ordered the Department of Public Safety to inspect the purse and handbag of every woman entering the Senate galley. All tampons, maxi pads and other devices for feminine protection – except guns – were to be removed.
Clearly this was because the Texas legislators feared those tampons. This is proof, I say, that the tampon is more dangerous than the gun. Hopefully, the United States Congress will establish a commission to investigate the sale and use of feminine hygiene protection and its impact on American society.
That's a subject worthy of our Congress. There is nothing more pressing.
It's very suspicious that there's not been much conversation about the incident and its ramifications. Why aren’t background checks being demanded for any woman buying feminine protection? Who knows how many crazy women are buying them? I don't even think there's an age limit on who can buy them or a need to show identification. Surely, after this, there are movements across the country for tampons and maxi-pads to be banned in all schools, or to provide school employees with their own tampons and maxi-pads with training on how to use them, so they can defend themselves.
I can understand why we’re not seeing such a mass call. From all appearances in Texas, there is no defense against a thrown tampon or maxi-pad. All you can do is shriek and hide like a frightened rabbit.
It puts us into a conundrum. Our Founders never mentioned the freedom to use feminine protection when they wrote the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Common Sense doesn't have one word about them, either. There are rumors that there was an incident referred to as The Boston Feminine Protection Party, but, sinisterly, it appears that all references to that incident have been erased from history, leaving us with Internet rumors. Those rumors say there are probably vaults of historic feminine protection hidden somewhere in the original thirteen colonies but we'll probably see a Nicholas Cage movie on it (National Protection?) before the government ever comes forward with the truth.
What do these omissions mean? Why was all evidence of the Boston Feminine Protection Party wiped out? Were our Founders for or against feminine protection?
No doubt some woman will point out that all the Founders were men and ask, what the hell would men know about women's feminine protection?
I answer you, just look to Texas.
Causes Michael Seidel Supports
Kiva, Women's International League for Peace and Freedom, Propublica.org, Doctors Without Borders, GreaterGood.com