Something happens. Joints and muscles ratchet tighter, pressing your posture straight and rigid. Your heartbeat pushes your blood into a dizzying thrum singing in your skin. You think - what if - and you don't think more. You think - please, no - and you don't think more. You think, "No." You breathe lightly, as though these breaths might disturb the world, aware of how your core of body and existence is shaking. Calm is what you need, not this flush of despair, sadness and anger. Strength to take care of everything, ensuring all is right.
But sometimes you're powerless, reduced to a spectator in the cheap seats, trying to see the field, understand the play, hear what the Gods are saying, and hoping they're not telling you the worse.
Memories play evil shadow games. This is like - that pain slices off further thinking. Let that memory stay buried.
But they rise, ghosts of past pains.
Sometimes the levee breaks. Your shoulders droop and your posture falls forward. Gravity pulls you into a shapeless, quivering mess, teeth coming together in a painful gnash that fires your jaw muscles with pain and tension. Your tear ducts spill their hold on your hot sadness. You wait, now holding your breath.
You think, this is a bad day for something to happen, looking at schedules and plans. But you wonder, is there a good day?
You don't want this to happen on any day. Any day when it happens is automatically granted bad day status, a dark blot on your personal history, another day when your mind begins a story in the future, "I remember when...."
Causes Michael Seidel Supports
Kiva, Women's International League for Peace and Freedom, Propublica.org, Doctors Without Borders, GreaterGood.com