As I walked this morning, I watched people driving by and thought, "I miss that."
I miss getting up, getting dressed, jumping into my car and making the commute to an office.
It could be a case of looking at the past through rose colored glasses or it might be that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I haven't been commuting so I'm growing fonder of it.
The desire to commute like in the old days is part of my lingering malaise. If I were a sailing ship, I'd be down there in the doldrums, waiting for a wind to pick me up. My wife thinks I need an ocean fix and suggests heading for the coast. Annette Talbert believes I'm suffering from Spring Fever. I suspect I might have some Boogie Fever.
We're all right. My problems are about restlessness, as Annette and my wife said.
This could be about the seven year itch.
Related to the seven year itch of marital and movie fame, the seven year itch is about feeling restless and trapped and thinking there is something better somewhere else that I'm missing. I'd thought at first that at the bottom of my issues was a reluctance to release the past. Thomas' death, my cats illnesses and other problems encouraged my first world whining about my frustrations.
As I walked this morning, though, I realized that I've been living in this house for seven years doing this telecommuting thing with my present company. My invovlement with my team is much different than seven years ago. My knowledge is more and more specialized and less and less required. I believe my position is on the chopping block and Mister Ax could taste my neck any day.
That's why I thought some of my problems were about letting go. There's truth there but it's incomplete. Seven years is the longest I've lived in one home in my life. I think those changes hardwired an expectation for me to move on. Seven years is by far the longest I've been with one company in my life. My life, family and dreams to write and be published are the most consistent aspects of my life. Everything else was temporary.
That sense of change had another component, that I was always looking forward to the next place or the next phase. Now, as my wife noted, we as a couple seem to be missing goals. Goals provided a direction and motivation. It seems as though by settling here for seven years, we're now marking time.
So my mantra for today is let go. Release those expectations that it's time to move on again. This is where we plan to stay.
I noticed my wife was looking at home listings on the Oregon coast. Maybe we need to visit there....
Causes Michael Seidel Supports
Kiva, Women's International League for Peace and Freedom, Propublica.org, Doctors Without Borders, GreaterGood.com