The Starbucks marketing people are speed demons. It was barely three days between my wife telling me that green coffee bean extract is the latest miracle cure that Starbucks featured green coffee bean extract in their Refreshers.  Friday the 13th, noon to three, they were giving them away. We went, we received, we drank.

Green coffee beans are supposed to give you more energy and help you lose weight. It's an extract, of course. Wife and I are always searching for the life's holy quint, the drink that doesn't cost much, won't kill you, lets you eat what you want while helping you lose weight and have more energy. It's out there, modern America's Fountain of Youth extract, now at Starbucks.

Starbuck's Refresher comes in lime and berry flavors. Excuse me, not just berry, but very berry hibiscus, which is very original, and cool lime, to coin a new marketing flavor. I decided to forego knowing what else was in it and stayed ignorant of its nutritional information. This would be a blind test. Wife received the lime and I received the berry. We tasted one another's drink. The cool lime seemed tastier by a 2-0 margin. 

I went back to work after imbibing. My energy level didn't seem any greater. I didn't seem to lose any weight, either. Of course, Starbucks didn't say it would give me a five hour boost and reduce my body fat by ten percent.  They're pretty vague about its actual impact. I should point out that these refreshers are their hand-crafted beverages, vice the canned and instant beverages they offer. The canned and instant offerings might give more energy and help you lose more weight. Please let me know if you try them and find that to be the case. Seriously.

Since they are so fast, I thought SB's marketing would have come out with a new Starbucks drink centered around the Higgs boson. You probably heard that they've long theorized the Higgs boson existed as a field or a particle or something, much like other things we suspect should exist, like principled politicians and tasteful, entertaining television. Starbucks could have created something like, Zesty spearmint invigorators, now without the Higgs boson. Less mass, great taste. Maybe the beer folk will come out with it. It does sound more like a beer offering, doesn't it? Beer is about less mass and more taste. Taste is very important with beer, especially after the third sip.

That seems to be where Sam Adams is heading. They're creating their own periodical chart of beers. How many Sam Adams beer options are there? Let us survey the numbers from their website via the internets and Google.

First, a correction. It's Samuel Adams. Googling Sam Adams will get you the American statesman and patriot. Who wants to drink him? He's like, over a hundred years old. I imagine his flavor would have subtle mouldering highlights. 

Samuel Adams has sixteen core beers, eighteen if their retired core beers are included. Thirteen seasonal beers. Six extreme beers and four each imperial beers and barrell room beers. That's quite a few beers, sister. None of them mentioned not having a Higgs boson in it. Of course, my understanding of such a beer or anything without a Higgs boson is that it flow like light, making it as hard to control as a yard full of two year olds high on sugar. Boy, talk about a light beer, though.

I'm glad they finally discovered the Higgs boson, or at least managed a snapshot of it. Now they can finally put their energies to finding the aging particle. I know it's out there. I can feel it in my bones. 

My theory about the aging particle is that it gains mass as you age. Once one starts gaining mass, it attracts others, just like the hair growing in your ears. There cannot be just one. Then they aggregate, like people at a party in the kitchen.

The aging particle's increased mass slows you down, constricts your blood flow, inhibits your metabolism, and shifts fundamental genetic matter, such as where your hair grows and how your body weight is distributed. Once we find the aging particle, which affects all matter, we'll be able to find and isolate the anti-aging particle. After that, we can set up anti-aging booths everywhere - airports, malls, grocery stores - and start Olympic sports and television shows about extreme aging. What would we call the reverse process? Reverse aging? Not very sexy. 

Let's get Starbucks marketing started on that.