where the writers are
Sorry, Red Room

Rant Number 49.

Yes, sorry Red Room, but I'm venting again about work after vowing I would not vent here. This is an F rated, boring, work related rant to release steam, so be warned. Pass on, go on to someone else's post.

So fucking infuriating on so many levels about dealing with these fucking inherited problems made by senior management people years ago. 'You don't know what you don't know until they tell you you don't know it.' Every week, I turn around and there is another example. I wonder, have any of them been punished about the problems? Are they even aware they exist? No, in corporate's mind, it's water under the bridge, they had to make decisions to get things done and let someone else worry about the fall out later. 

What infuriates me more is how I keep working harder to fix things, as if they matter, how I'm a little fucking robot. They push my buttons, pull my levers and there I go, spending more and more time and energy trying to fix other people's fucking problems. Just so infuriating, frustrating, irritating, angering. 


And some of it, some of it...it leaves me speechless. I noticed information, asked questions, was reassured, "Oh, that doesn't matter." Well, it doesn't matter to one group. The damn company is so segreted by business controls, process ownership and complexity, that you not only need to find what the right question is, but then find the right person and place to ask it. Even then, those people might not tell you the right answer, and how are you supposed to know?

Many will not tell you that they're not the right person/place to ask. They're all using the same process but each small piece has a different meaning and requirement. And those involved in their piece assure you, oh, that doesn't apply to you guys, then two years later, boom, it bites me in the ass. 

I'm just wrapped too tightly. Breath deep. Get up. Walk away. 

Part of it is defensiveness, part pride. I feel like I'm betrayed by others and then exposed, "See, you don't know what you were doing." It delivers a sense of helplessness and insults my work discipline, ethics and intelligence when these things go wrong. I explore. I ask questions. I receive information. I try vetting the answers. I study. I assure others everything is under control. Then, snap, some dark ass problem is biting me in the ass the first thing in the morning.

I need perspective. No one will die or even be hurt. These issues, in the grand scale of revenue, profit and losses, won't even affect any of those matters. The stock will continue soaring. It's me and my imagination, seeing people in other rooms, at other computers around the world, saying, he doesn't know what he's doing.

It's just me and my imagination. It's just me.

Damn it.

Damn it.

Damn it.

Take a deep breath. Walk away. 

Not so easily done. I work in the grungy, seamy areas. Nothing glamorous here. Part of my fury today is fed by yesterday's meetings, how we hear about how wonderful things are, how wonderful things were, how wonderful things will be, smug, chuckling people mouthing empty platitudes about the grandness of the business and the money "we're" making. See the stock price? Stock price is going up! Everyone must be happy! Wall Street is happy. Investors are happy. Chuckle.

Pass me a bucket.

So we have - the stock price doing great - Wall Street loves us! - senior management chuckling about how great we're doing -- senior middle management telling us that we're doing well but there are areas for improvement -- middle middle management saying, let's do better, I know we can -- and lower middle management saying, we didn't do well. We're supposed to believe them all. As you think about it, as it distills down to me, it's apparently our group not doing well. We don't know, I don't know, I don't know what the other divisions, brands, departments, and functions are being told. It's just another fucking reminder...knowledge is power, and they prefer us powerless.

Makes it easier to control and manipulate people.

Like me.

That rant helped. No where else to rant. Email? No, that's very bad and far less satisfying. Fired a couple off for the hell of it but it didn't help. Phone call? To whom, with whom? I know my boss will mumble the same empathetic drivel about staying positive, you're doing awesome work, blah, blah, blah. Nothing meaningful is found there. I work alone, one in half a million.

Time to get up. Walk away from the work computers, the numbers, the email, walk down to the coffee shop, open my laptop and work on my novel for an hour. 

Then I'll start feeling better.

I am just so fed up.

Fuck it.

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I can't even rant here, people from work have found me and I'm too far from retirement to say all that I want to say.  I've switched from ranting to chanting...my mantra?  "I'm a duck [deep breath], I'm a duck [deep breath], I'm a duck [heavy sigh]".  The other day a co-worker walked by my office while I was muttering this and bringing down my blood pressure.  He stopped, came back and said "Did you say that you were a duck?"  I laughed and explained, "Yes, so everything rolls off my back".

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Hi Monique

I love that mantra. Sometimes I worry that The Corporation will discover my rants. They may have already found them. They have eyes and ears everywhere, and they dislike losing control, whether it's the message or  the mind....