More first world blues are setting in. Narcissist that I am, I need to sing about them.
Been a sleepless night, with Scheckter taking another turn for the worse. I’d been hopeful, since he’d been showing such great signs of improvement but here he is, pissing blood, vomiting, and then unable to pee, which made him restless and uncomfortable. Get ready to go back to the vet. Crossing fingers, crossing toes, crossing anything I can, but get ready for the worst.
But it’s just a cat, you say, and I hear you. I’ve been through this with cats and dogs, many times, too many times. I hear you. It’s just another animal but one I love, whose companionship I enjoy, one I don’t like seeing him suffer. Yeah, poor pitiful me.
Actually, I don't like witnessing any suffering. Intellectually, I think of it as another slice of existence but emotionally, I don't cope well with it. I do think how much worse it is for a parent or child to endure the cycle of illness and what it might mean. I think of Red Room blogs and the things people share, caring for a wife with cancer, coping with a father and his sickness, remembering when a mother died and her last words.
I think of the man killed when he tried to defuse a situation. He and his companions had stopped on a gravel bar in a river. One was peeing when a man with a gun came down and ordered them off his land. He fired a warning shot into the air and another into the ground.
Some of the ‘violators’ argued. A few armed themselves with rocks. Stand your ground, right? You have the right to defend yourself.
But one man tried to stop the violence from going further. He raised his arm in a gesture. The man with the gun whirled and shot him in the face, killing him. Of course, the man with the gun had every right to kill him, didn’t he, since he feared for his life, right?
Some days, it’s a sad, mean world.
As I sit here now, I’m typing this on Word, having reset my network and restarted my work computer after it crashed, while I cope again with my personal computer shutting down on its lonesome, I think, snake bit, again.
I thought of it yesterday. Leaving the coffee shop after a null writing session, dealing with computer issues and Scheckter’s illness, the wife’s health – and the healthcare system - and a few household matters, I walk along the street through the heat. Stopping at a juncture, I acknowledge, I don’t want to go back to all that. Part of it is that I didn’t get a writing fix but another aspect is the sense of same old, same old. Problems – nothing major – seem to be multiplying. Life is bland. I’m stuck in a rut and going down a bumpy road.
I argued with myself, there on the corner, reminding myself of all the good things in my life, and started walking for home again. That’s when snake bit came back to me. A term we used in the military, snake bit meant you were the one around whenever things went wrong. Things didn’t really happen to you but it seemed like a lot of shit flew in your presence.
The thing about being snake bit is that you start believing you have bad luck. You start acting that way and worrying, what’s going to happen next?
Still can’t connect on my work computer this morning, pursuing the problem as I typed this. Seems to be a wireless adapter issue.
Personal computer hasn’t crashed again, knock on wood. Scheckter can’t pee but he is resting. I’m waiting for the vet office to open and make an appointment.
My wife is resting. This will be a tough day for her, since she didn’t get a good night sleep. I hope she doesn’t suffer flares and if she does, they’re not too bad.
Oddly, work itself is going well. With so many meetings canceled, I’ve finished many projects. I contemplate a day, today, without anything on my agenda – no meetings, tasks or projects. That might change once my work computer is finally able to sync and deliver me my email.
After all this, my AT&T VPN still can’t connect and doesn’t run correctly. Time to drink some coffee and figure out what’s going on.
Causes Michael Seidel Supports
Kiva, Women's International League for Peace and Freedom, Propublica.org, Doctors Without Borders, GreaterGood.com