Okay, come on. It's just you and me. Tell me your secrets.
What are your real rules?
The real rules are the things you do when no one is around to chide you. I'll not stake a silly claim that everyone has them. Some folks are supremely iron willed or anal and follow the simple mantra, a rule is a rule is a rule is a rule is a rule is a rule is a rule is a rule is a rule is a rule.
But I profess, there are some rules I claim to follow that I break in private. As an adult, we have many, many rules because we're supposed to know better. Like, I still lipsync some old rock music.
Yes, I'm on stage...an imaginary stage....
Sometimes...because the music was on when I entered the shower...I'm wet and naked when I put on the show.
I sneak around the house naked when my wife is out, darting past the windows to see who is calling when the phone rings or to get a cup of coffee.
I think that last secret rule needs clarification. It comes off reading like my wife leaves and I leap up and rip off my clothes. That's not the case. I mean that if she's out and I'm changing clothes or cleaning up, I'll not worry about my nakedness when dashing into other rooms, even though there's a chance I'll be spotted through the windows.
The 'five second rule' is my recurring victim. Something falls on the ground in the house and I can clearly identify it for what it is, I'll eat it.
In a house of cats, it's important to ensure clear identification is made. Just saying.
We are a furry hairy household so an inspection is required before eating anything plucked from the carpet. We vacuum everyday but we shed ten times faster. Something falling on the floor draws hair and fur faster than a supermagnet attracts iron filings. Examination is needed less you swallow a bit of chocolate that morphed into a hairball in its short life on the ground.
I watch Family Guy. There, it's out!
I feel so much better.
I don't watch The Cleveland Show. I just don't find it as fresh and humorous as Family Guy.
Since I'm trying to come clean and television is on the table, another real rule I break is that I will watch old sitcoms.
Yes, I watch Arrested Development and Ab Fab, but I also watch Friends. Seinfeld. The King of Queens. Sometimes, but less often, I watch a Fraser or Cheers.
I know, the rule is that we've seen all of those shows that ceased production years ago. They were considered silly in the first place, counter productive mind candy. Watching them is a waste of time. The rule is that I'm supposed to be a productive, intelligent adult, working to write novels and stories, employed by a large congloberate, married for decades, with a house and cats to care for, et cetera.
Yet, there I am, watching George Costanza and his fiancee Susan explain to her father that his beloved cabin, hand built by his father for his mother, was burned down.
And there I am, in the recliner, chuckling at Doctor Who's special effects during a retrocast of a fifth doctor episode involving cybermen.
I break all sorts of rules in secret. I drink from the orange juice and lemonade bottles, right out of the refrigerator, getting rid of them if guests are coming over. I suck Miracle Whip from the can.
Cats and rule breaking are tongue and fur part of my secret rule breaking. My real rule is that I permit my cats the opportunity to share my spoons and fork. Yes, I let them eat off my plate. I share my sandwiches with them.
My wife's rule is that the cats are not permitted on the counters and tables but I indulge nimble Quinn when he makes like Supercat and leaps up there with a single, arcing bound.
I go into exercise and then I sit down and read or watch television. Sometimes when I'm supposed to be in there exercising, I take a short nap. It can be called a cat nap, both for its short but deep nature but also because it's taken with a cat or two in attendance. I suspect the cats are actually the nap's source. Coming in as I begin exercising, they gather around me. Staring, they intone with soft meows, "You are getting very sleepy." Next thing that I realize is that the cats and I are waking up.
The danger about your real rules is when you start using them too much because you forget that you're not supposed to do this behavior. Just remember that if you come to my house and there's an open bottle of lemonade in the refrigerator.
Causes Michael Seidel Supports
Kiva, Women's International League for Peace and Freedom, Propublica.org, Doctors Without Borders, GreaterGood.com