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Personhood

Corporations are people. It's the new meme.  Rich with holes, this could be the newest Swiss cheese.

Birthers scream for President Barack Obama's birth certificate.  They've rejected the ones presented, no matter who presented it or the venue, and dispute the Supreme Court's ruling on the matter.  How many birthers have screamed for a corporation to show its birth certificate?

They haven't.  Although corporations have been ruled to be a person, with the same rights, they've yet to be asked to declare their citizenship.  It's deplorable.  How many illegal corporations are living among us, stealing jobs from American corporations, taking the benefits away from corporations born in this country, and living off our taxes? We have to ask ourselves, how are these illegal corporations crossing our border into our country, and what is Congress doing about it? 

You know what they say, once you give a corporate citizen a subsidy, they'll never work again.  The freeloaders will find ways to get our money without doing anything productive for our society.  Being on the public dole breeds laziness. 

If a corporation has all of a citizen's rights, when are they going to start serving on juries?  I'll bet they'll get an exception from that, just like everything else.  Corporations are like spoiled children that way, whining about how unfair it is for them if they're not given everything they desire.  Give them chocolate and they want vanilla.  Give them vanilla and they ask for strawberry.  Give them pie and they want cake. 

When a corporation finally decides to serve its country, it'll likely be by running for political office.  Like most politicians, they'll likely start small, to see how it feels.  Headlines will proliferate:  "Meet the candidate:  Microsoft - 'Why I want to be your next city planning commissioner.'"

After Microsoft wins office, it's approached by a political party.  Next stop:  state legislature.  After serving a few terms as a state rep or delegate, it moves up to state senator.  Meanwhile, inspired by Microsoft, Hewlett-Packard and Yahoo jump in.  HP wins its efforts to be on the city council.  Yahoo goes for tax assessor.  Apple, being Apple, becomes the first corporation to become elected to Mayor when Cupertino voters bestow that honor on -- him?  Her? 

As there aren't many corporations in America relative to other groups, they'll gain recognition as a minority, giving them advantages when seeking loans and contracts.  Mergers and acquisitions will disappear as corporations begin announcing marriages and adoptions.  A great deal will be made of an American corporation adopting its first company from some third world nation.  As the corporation raises its child, we'll see the corporate child featured at venues like the World Series, Superbowl, and Academy Awards. 

Things will sour as it sometimes does for high profile parents and their offspring.  The corporate child will be arrested for drunk driving, busted for cocaine possession.  Embarrassing Twitters will be mocked in the press, along with cell phone photographs of the corporate child behaving badly.  Soon we'll hear that the corporate child is at the Betty Ford Clinic, cleaning up its act.

A spate of feel good publicity follows.  Stories about how the corporate child has turned the corner and is starting a new life are published.  It's going to college -- Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Princeton, or something.  It hasn't declared a major but it's thinking about acting or business. 

Then, though, the corporate child will announce that its gay or bisexual. The corporate parent, despite its previous stances against gay and lesbian rights or any sexual orientation that isn't man on woman in the missionary position, will announce that it loves its child and supports it no matter what its sexual orientation, and please, let them alone, because this is a private personal matter. 

Pictures of the corporate child and its corporate partner in happy times make the rounds of People and Us magazines along with USA Today.  Adopting a dog from a shelter, they're shown playing with the dog in the park. 

Then tragedy strikes.  The corporate child announces it has cancer.  Millions of people shave their heads and 'Like' it on Facebook to demonstrate their support.  Stories circulate about the corporate child's brave fight and how upbeat they remain but cancer is cancer. 

A solemn nation learns from solemn announcers via a solemn statement that the corporate child has passed away. 

The nation is heartbroken.  Yes, other corporate children are out there but this was America's first adopted overseas corporate child, and he/she will always have a place in our corporate hearts.  President Facebook orders the flags be flown at half staff as the country observes a national day of mourning.  Senator Bank of America (R-CA) proposes a new holiday be established going forward to help us remember and honor this brave corporate child.  The bill passes almost unanimously, with three representatives and one senator voting against it. 

Pundits note with some malice that the four legistlators who voted against the new law are all 'humans', a term gaining noteriety for having negative connotations.  More and more anti-human rhetoric floods the Internet, trickling into the print media and then onto the airwaves.  "Humans," corporate people cry, "are out to destroy the world, beginning with the overthrow of the legally elected US government."  Senator Yum! Brands makes a fiery speech on the Senate floor, calling for an investigation of humans in America.  "Are you now or have you ever been a human?" he/she demands of General Motors.  "I remind you, sir or madam, you are under oath."

"No," General Motors replies under televised testimony.  "I can proudly say that I am not now and I have never been human.  I have been a person since the day I was incorporated."

The story loses its legs as the news cycle rotates.  A corporation and its family is found brutally murdered in Iowa.  Another corporation is arrested for the crime.  Revelations the two corporations were having an affair shock the corporate world.  Photos of the naked corporations cavorting on a Jamaica beach are posted to the web.  After a lengthy trial, the corporation is found guilty and sentenced to life in prison.  The trial result is quickly appealed and thrown out as a mistrial when it's pointed out that there were no corporations on the jury because they were all excused.  Therefore, the corporation was not judged by a jury of its peers. 

Outraged corporations who were friends of the victim corporation begin protests against the ruling.  It's quickly lost in the news, falling down the ranks of 'most read' and 'most emailed'.  A new scripted pseudo reality show, Corporate Life, has been announced, and the newly elected President, The Walt Disney Corporation, announces an ambitious new program to put a corporation on Mars by the end of his/her first term. 

It's a great day for corporations everywhere.