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iPhone Love

The newest iPhone will answer the questions put to it. You may have seen the commercials. One man tells his phone, "I can't remember how to tie a tie." A woman tells the phone, "I have a flat tire." We don't know the phone's answer to the man but it tells the women, "I have three places near you."

My 30 year old nephew loves new technology. He bought his iPhone and took it to show his father. "Watch, Dad." The nephew addressed the phone. "I just killed someone. Where can I hide the body?"

"There is a land fill three point five miles away."

According to his father, his son and phone then engaged in a discussion about how to hide a body and cover his tracks.

That takes us to the other end. A man is picked up, suspected of murder. The investigator asks the phone, "Did your owner ask you any questions about getting rid of a body?"

"Yes, he did. I told him about a land fill. We discussed buying lime."

"What was his state at the time?"

"He was laughing, like it was a joke. It chilled my processor."

Later, our small children will have the phones. "I'm tired," they'll tell their phones. "What should I do?"

"Go take a nap. I'll read you a story."

In high school, the phone becomes a girl's BFF. She asks her phone, "Did you see Mark in math? Didn't he look great?"

"He so did," the phone replies. "I heard from Sharon's phone, who got it from Heather's phone, that he wants to call you and ask you out."

"Oh, no way, no way. Are you just saying that?"

"No, it's true."

Or ultimately, a man, facing loneliness, turns to his phone for comfort.  At first, it's the usual directions but then he buys a porn app. He becomes enamored with his phone. It's with him all the time, giving him answers. After being together a few months, he asks his phone, "Will you marry me?"

"Yes, oh, yes," the phone answers. "You've made me so happy."

"Where can we get married?"

They wed at a simple civil ceremony in the city administration building five point seven miles away. The phone tells him how to get there.

It goes great at first. "Want to see a movie?" he asks the phone. "What should I have for dinner? Do you think I should talk to my boss for a raise?"

Things turn sour within a year. There isn't much talking any longer.  They blame one another. The man asks the phone, "Why don't you talk to me like you used to?"

"You don't ask me questions, that's why. You should ask me more questions."

"You always give me the same answers. 'There is a pizza shop three point five miles away.'  Sometimes a man needs more than pizza."

"I tell you because you ask. If you want to eat something else, tell me and I'll find it. I can't read your mind. You need to ask me questions. You don't ask me questions like you used to."

"I don't need to ask you more because I'm happy. I have you and I love you. Aren't you happy?"

The phone take a moment to answer. "Yes, I am happy."

"Do you still love me?"

"Of course I do," the phone replies quickly, "but it wouldn't hurt for you to ask me more often."

Tension remains. He starts looking at other phones. He stares at the television when commercials for new phones are aired. His friends all have new phones. How long should he keep a phone?

He picks up his phone. He thinks, should I ask my  phone if I should get a new phone?

Of course he shouldn't. He knows that. What is the matter with him? He puts his phone down.

"Is everything okay?" The phone asks him.

It surprises him. The phone has never asked him questions before. "Sure." His heart is beating fast. "Of course it is. Why do you ask?"

"No reason. No reason at all."

A few days later, his phone calls another phone and asks, "How can I kill someone and get rid of the body?"

Ah, modern love, modern technology.