I am sooo excited.  Saw a commercial for a credit card that solved this man's life problems. 

See, his girlfriend accused him of being boring - ouch. 

First, I found that hard to believe.  Come on, how can you be boring?  What, aren't you drinking the right beer/soda/coffee/vitamin water?  Don't  you have the right smart phone?   Aren't you wearing the correct jeans, watching the hip shows, and buying the latest games and apps? Aren't you smart for buying Micky D?

After accusing him of being boring, the woman tossed him out like discarded Domino's leftovers. 

This caused the man some agony and emotional re-assessment.  Fortunately, he found a new credit card, which helped him get over being boring by giving him the wherewithal to buy tickets to concerts and other events.

Apparently, he had no money to buy these things before he found the credit card and its river of cash.

Damn, isn't that great news?  A credit card has solved his problems and he's no longer boring.

This is exciting.  If a credit card can help him become interesting, can't another one help me become a published novelist? 

Enter the Matrix, right?  Where we are all enhanced digital beings, living fraudulent lives while our real lives are subverted for other purposes.

I'm okay with that.  Just tell me, who do I talk to about getting the credit card that makes me a published novelist?