Like a period it came, noting the stop of one thing and the beginning of another, a dream.
I dreamed I was with my father...of course. Father, Mother, military career, school and learning, these are the recurring themes in my dream.
My dream Dad arrived late for my birthday celebration. We did the usual, required hugs and protestations of joy and happy birthday. Then he, beaming, told me he'd bought himself a new car. Yes, for my birthday, he'd bought himself a new car.
Oh, to laugh.
Continuing with the dream, I asked what is it, et cetera, and his new Ford Mustang is revealed. Well, can I drive it? I ask. Yes. So I get into the driver's seat and he climbs into the passenger side, and I begin driving his car. But things are blocking my vision. I can't see. How did he ever park it here? I have to negotiate around very tight blind spots and this is Dad's new car, but I do it. We're off, and that's the dream.
Brought to mind while writing this a memory of our life together when I first began living with him. This was after he retired. I'd been living with him four months by then but he'd always been away, working, and I'd always been alone. Now we were together, father and son, but we were strangers. I was young and self-conscious, and he was bluff and overly enthusiastic, earnestly trying to make me happy. I didn't know how to be happy. Something in the previous two years had drained it away.
What do you want? I don't know. Are you hungry? I guess so. What do you want to eat? Where do you want to eat? I don't know.
I don't know.
I remain suspended from that time, somehow, remaining cautious about what I want, cautious about expressing who I am. I've known this and I haven't known this. It's the paradox of myself.
Don't most of us have that? We take about tearing down, yet when we tear down, what do we do with what we've exposed? Do we build? Can we leave it empty?
There's a whole lotta growing left for me to do.
Now to work. Have a whole lot planned to do for my employer today, my top ten list of things to do. It's pretty meaningless, like this presentation to share with others about what processes and systems the team's functions employ to accomplish their tasks. I have no idea why they've asked me to put this together. There's a call next week to explain it all. Isn't that funny? I've created a presentation for a call where I will give a presentation for a reason that I don't know. Well, they pay me well and mostly leave me alone, so I will complain in these posts and I will do it, and I'll do it well. Drives me nuts. I own my life but I can't help but do my best when I put these presentations together or analyze these business needs and identify gaps.
Cue, "Mad World".
All around me are familiar facesWorn out places, worn out facesBright and early for the daily racesGoing nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glassesNo expression, no expressionHide my head I wanna drown my sorrowNo tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sadThe dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever hadI find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to takeWhen people run in circles its a very, veryMad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel goodHappy birthday, happy birthdayAnd I feel the way that every child shouldSit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervousNo one knew me, no one knew meHello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sadThe dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever hadI find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to takeWhen people run in circles its a very, veryMad world, mad world, enlarging your worldMad world
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Causes Michael Seidel Supports
Kiva, Women's International League for Peace and Freedom, Propublica.org, Doctors Without Borders, GreaterGood.com