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Congratulations, America

Congratulations, America, on the fine Olympic showing. Good to see that one of the wealthiest, most sophisticated and powerful nations in history can find, train and field athletes who will entertain us, return with gold and reflect glory on us.

Congratulations, too, on your obesity. Congratulations to the state of Mississippi, officially the most obese state, where over 34 percent of their population, one in three, is fat. But don't sit on your fat asses on this, Mississippi. Louisiana, West Virginia, Alabama, Michigan, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Indiana, South Carolina are all at 30 percent or higher. They can easily overtake you so don't rest. Eat, eat, eat. Ensure you eat a lot of fatty, unhealthy foods if you want to keep that top ranking. That's the only way you can do it. Oh, and play more games and be more sedentary. Watch more television. I hear that can help.

Congratulations to New York City, where one of four are obese. It's only 25 percent but I'm sure you can improve that to thirty percent if you just eat and indulge without thinking. Try to exercise less, too. That will help you become more obese.

Chart from http://www.healthyamericans.org/report/98/obseityratesbystate, Healthy Americans.  It's a sad chart, isn't it? Just three groupings. The lowest is 25%. No reason to go into lower groupings. No state dips below 20%. 

That's Colorado. Condolences to Colorado. Only one in five of their people are obese, making them America's skinniest population. You need to change your eating habits if you're going to compete for the title of most obese. We don't want to be skinny. Poor countries, like North Korea and Cambodia, have the skinniest people. We don't want to be like them. 

Besides, if we were skinnier, we'd lose our ranking for holding the world largest biomass. Yes, even though we hold six percent of the world's population, we've corralled 34% of the world's biomass. Frankly, I'm disappointed that it's not higher. Surely if we can open more fast food restaurants, grow more GMO - genetically modified organisms - we can have cheaper food and eat yet more, become more obese and gain more of the world's biomass. That's our goal, right? We are working to increase our obesity levels by preventing labeling that might tell you what you're eating is unhealthy for you and bombarding you with images of skinny people on television eating unhealthy fatty foods and loving it, of people on television commercials being smart by using a dollar to buy a meal because that cheap food is clearly the smart food. 

As an aside, did you know that the American farmers that grow the potatoes for fast food chains won't eat them? Isn't that funny? 

But on a more dour note, I am concerned about America's future security. The American military is worried about having enough personnel for its needs. Too many applicants are not passing the initial health screenings and that number is increasing. Clearly the military is out of step and needs to change its standard. We do not want our citizen soldiers to look different from our general population.

So congratulations, America, on the Olympics and the obesity.

Well done.