I'm not interested in being London's mayor but I need a good ratter. My wife has informed me that she heard the rat again.
It happened in Tuesday's late morning hours while I was out. Returning home, she met me at the door and said, "We need to talk."
Why she wanted to start like that, I don't know. It seems a bit over the top and dramatic way to begin a conversaton. I replied with a little testiness, "Can you just tell me what it is?"
"The rat is back."
Unreal. I swear I swooned.
She related the entire tale. Marching outside, I checked the crawl space entrances. Everything secure. No openings.
We have a devil rat, apparently capable of walking through walls. Or perhaps it's a rat from the future, teleporting in. "Beam me down, Scotty," one rat tells another. I've not seen the rats so it's possible they're wearing uniforms. Perhaps my crawl space has a secret entrance to the secret world, Ratiga, where rats rule.
Two of my cats followed me around as I checked the crawl space entrances. The third watched from a distance. Besides them, three other cats belonging to neighbors watched from the fence. I could hear them whispering to each other, "What's he doing down there?" They were fascinated. "Humans," one said. "They're so cute."
So here I am, looking for how the rat is getting in and out of our crawl space and I'm being watched by six cats.
"You should be ashamed of yourself, the lot of you," I told them all, loudly. "You call yourself cats. You're not worthy of the name."
Tails flicked in response. Several gave me glares. (I don't think that means much since they're cats; cats often appear to be glaring.) My cats meowed and hurried to me, apparently confusing my irritation with an invitation to be stroked and petted.
So we need to find another go to guy for the rat. My wife wants to escalate matters, as do many friends. "They're just rats!" they tell me. Sorry, I don't see the world like that, probably from my young science fiction reading days. Stories had invaders come to Earth and seek to destroy us all, telling one another, "They're just humans!"
Back to the challenge, how to deal with the rats. Time to put up an ad on Craig's List: "Wanted - good ratter."
I guess ratting is beneath the cats of this neighborhood.
Causes Michael Seidel Supports
Kiva, Women's International League for Peace and Freedom, Propublica.org, Doctors Without Borders, GreaterGood.com