Strangely, despite some things that happened, I decided last week was a great week.
How do you decide whether something went well? Yes, the overall outcome, and how you feel at the end, but also the means along the way. In our daily, weekly, and monthly 'games of life', we don't have a final whistle. There are projects and efforts, then the end of work and the end of a moment.
My wife's health was up and down but she bounced back strongly each time, with good spirits. Q Cat's lost tooth was a concern but his energy and temperament remained up, and he's eating well. Scheckter's bad breath, a symtom of his gum disease, has dissipated, and he's gained weight and is in good spirits. He engaged in football moves and a mad dash yesterday as I weeded. Football moves are when he jumps, leaps, freezes and runs like he's playing defense in a football game, reacting to other unseen players as the play unfolds. It's great fun to witness. The greatest enigma, Lady, remains enigmatic, wary when she's happy, needy when she's happy, but she's enjoying the sunshine.
Sunshine! Yes, all that solar energy and warmth is helping. Doors and windows were opened. Saturday was spent on more yard and garden work, adding strawberries, radishes and peas to the onion, lettuce and garlic, planning squash, tomatos and potatoes. Rugs and towels were washed and hung in the sun to dry. The moon is new so its secretive but the sky is clear and bright with stars that fire thinking and dreaming.
I sat in yesterday's late afternoon sunshine, drank a nice amber ale, munched some sweet potato chips, along with some kale chips my wife made, and read a book in the sun. My writing and editing is going well, knock on wood. Parasam has been polished, polished again, polished again. It really excites me but I'm the author. So many other short story ideas stream through my head. There's always something to write and edit, and new ideas and concepts to conjure and ponder.
Work, too, contributes to my overall satisfaction with the week. Much as I hate admitting it, I was consulted and involved, a bit surprised when they finally realized what I was saying about their forecasting, asked for my advice about how to solve it, and then accepted that advice. Yes, that felt good.
The whole work situation renders me frustrated with myself. On the one hand I rant about money and its evils, yet realize and accept it as a component in our lives. I am violating my principles by staying on and accepting their money. I rationalize that they can fire me, I rationalize that I contribute, but the value of what we manufacture is questionable. I rationalize, too, that my wife needs health care. In the longer analysis, looking over the arc of twelve years, she's steadily degrading. Yes, there are peaks and valleys of remission, improvement, and degradation but the overall arc can't be denied. The rationalization has a basis in reality. Compromising my philosophy and principles, I accept, I'll stay on.
Meanwhile, I'll write and seek publication. The joy is in the writing, the editing, and the surprise and satisfaction that I achieve when I read something I wrote and think, wow, that's pretty good. Perhaps I'll reach that nadir of existence where I'm writing all the time, full time, with income from it to take care of my wife. That's the goal and the dream. Until then, it's not over, and there is enjoyment, satisfaction, and life in employing the means to achieve the end.
I'll take it and press on.
Causes Michael Seidel Supports
Kiva, Women's International League for Peace and Freedom, Propublica.org, Doctors Without Borders, GreaterGood.com