where the writers are
A christmas Letter

Doris & Filobert Grimky    24 The Goom Avenue    Bartlesby NP 94953

Dear Friends,

Well, it’s about that time of year again.  My how time flies. It seems like only yesterday that I finished last year’s holiday letter.  Well, ha ha, come to think of it, it was only yesterday.  I’ll get those cards out any day now.

Nothing much has changed with us this year.  You may have read how Sim has been suspended from his position with Addleborough State A&M,B,F&G College (Agriculture & Mining, Bowling, Fly-Fishing & Golf).  Well, pay no attention to the stories.  It’s all a tempest in a despot.  Those acts weren’t all that unnatural, not around here.  He intends to fight the board’s decision just as soon as he raises the bail money. (A little help there would be appreciated.  After all, it’s not like we never did the same for any of you.)  

Elmo is selling off all his personal property, even his TV Guide collection, and preparing for the arrival of the Galacticals from Flammarian, who will come sometime this February in seven flying saucers and a flying cupcake.  He says they come in peace, and they’re only going to kill off the evil people and Roger Demkowsky.  Roger, if you’re reading this, Elmo says remember that incident in the sixth grade and you’ll know why.

Filobert, showing that get-up-and-goishness that has made his name a byword in many a police station and has caused at least a dozen people in all walks of life to take out restraining orders against him, is looking into a new business opportunity: Stained glass.  He has stained the glass in the front window of Boswick’s Used Furniture Emporium and Flight School, and both windows of Sara Kimbell’s Plumbing Supply and Dance Academy.  

It is just the sort of bad luck that has been plaguing Filobert for much of his life that neither Big Bill Boswick nor Sara Kimbell wanted their windows stained.  Filobert has tried several mixtures to remove the stains, and has so far succeeded in changing their colors from bright red and blue to a sort of muddy puce.  He has gone out there this morning with a hammer and a chisel, to try to scrape the stains off, but I fear that the result will not be what he anticipates.

Aunt Egna is in the hospital again.  This time its the hopping disease.  She just can’t seem to stop hopping, sometimes reaching a rate of three hops a second. The nurses tied her down to the bed, and then had quite a time chasing the bed as it headed down the corridor and out the door, hopping like anything.  The hospital wants us to pay for repairing the long hopping scars in the linoleum, but we feel that hopping is an act of God, like twirling and speaking in tongues and throwing up.  

Doris (that’s me) is (are? am?)  in the planning stage of a brand new writing project.  It is a memoir called “Great and Famous People and Celebrities I Have Annoyed.”  An editor at Vagrant Books has agreed to look at the manuscript if I stop sending him those other packages.  I am hopeful.

We hope that all of you have a wonderful and prosperous year, and, Elmo says, keep wearing those aluminum foil hats.

Doris & Filobert Grimky
& Sim & Elmo
& the rest of the kids, past and present