When I think of life changing events, I always associate it with the bang of the cap gun that would startle me so. There I was bent over in diver position on an enormous chunky red block. The gun would go off and I would belly flop dive and swim like hell to get to the wall in order to touch it first. Being one of little attention span by the time the gun would go off I was already day dreaming and the loud noise always gave me a big start to flee to freedom on the other sided.
Looking down from the starters block reminds me of jumping off of a high cliff always a hesitation but exhiliration when you final just think usually aloud 'what the hell'. In life now as an adult when things come out of the blue, I always think of that damn cap gun that would set me off the swimmers block flailing to get to the other side.
On Christmas Eve, my husband told me he no longer loves me and wants out of our marriage. I was laying in bed but I might as well have been that little girl on the starting block. I cannot seem to dive. The gun has gone off and I can see the black line that guides the swimmer along the pool but I cannot seem to fine myself to use that guide. The water seems fucking freezing and full of bitter chlorine. I am good at treading water and looking around to see where I am. In this pool I am sure there are other lonely scared swimmers but the glare seems to bright and I cannot hear or see them but only imagine them, I know I am not alone. Just like I knew when my mother died I was not the only one who has lost a mother. These thoughts or rather well known facts make the adult in me hang on. It gives me perspective.
There is no good time to leave a marriage, no good time to cross a busy street while walking a dog and texting. It doens't matter the time of year or day or weekday. Leaving a marriage, well its like that cliff or the chunky swimmers block. You hesitate and just go.
I once heard that when you fall out of love with someone, or rather a relationship is ending you have the feeling of falling back in love with them for the tendnacy is to see all the positive things in that soul and feel those loving feelings towards them due to years and circumstances. I still love my husband.But, we are so different and always have been that is a good thing. We have gone through, divorce, parents dying, job lost quite unexpectedly, moving across country. None of our times have been easy. We have spent months apart due to my husband being a fisherman. So we have never had it conventional.
I am lost a bit, spending days in bed barely eating. canceling trips and reading bad mysteries. I have watched a number of movies on heartbreak on TV just mindlessly starting at the screen eating those gonauts candies with the little christmas tree etched on them like Charlie Brown's. They are bascially little cute painted balls of chemicals that will add to my demise I am sure but they sure taste excellant going down. I have showered. I have come out and told my sister who is so furious that I fear my husband's site will send her charging. Nobody wants me to hurt but I do.
At times like this, well there has never been a time like this for me. But at times when I am on that chuncky red divers block and the gun startles me so-I can now get quiet and centered and move quickly through choppy waters. I made quite a little career out of that country club swimteam. And as a regularly in the great lakes. I have overcome a lot of things in life, but this is new certainly new. I have never had someone tell me they don't love me anymore! But it happens, and I do know there are other swimmers in this pool at this very moment who have been told worst!
Falling, is what I use to do when the pool pop gun went off with a bang. I would land hard on my belly and made up for lost time by swimming like hell to the other side. Now, my falling will be different. I do not believe you fall out of love that quickly so this pool I shall have to swim across will have small stops that will give me great challenges, large doubts, huge pain but what I have come to learn is that my dive has gotten stronger and my legs have carried me far. So now I must keep in mind that I must keep my head up high and my eyes wide open braving the element the waters of a broken heart.