I wish I could say that I never saw it coming or that it was never a possiblity. But, on the day I got married my stomach ached and I smelled fear radiating like heat from my body. I was nervous like a schoolgirl, wanting to 'just get it over with', I was sure it wasn't right. But I did it tada I got married and now its time to be unmarried.
Why do we do this, go against the greatest of god's invention? our intuition. I think often about how fine tuned my mind has become due to the mediation and the quiet lifestyle I have lived for many years. The monies others make off of those who never knew that the aches the sudden rush of adreline, the lack of energy were signs for them to pay attention! Nope, the lazy mind wins them over and they seek out someone (usually a woman) with an odd name and they go with as much faith as a catholic to the confessional. The nervousness, the expectation, the desperate wanting to believe. Yup, just like a catholic to the box.
When I listen I can hear the directions. Quiet thoughts and insights, I don't claim 'god told me' I due know though by practice that when I ignore these messages and the scnerios happens that I am more surprised at how once again I have not trusted my instinct.
Affairs of the heart, they certainly affect my intuition. But during the course of this marriage I had high anxiety.I could never put my finger on it but I was at high alert all the time. I was an orange on the terror color code. I could never relax. My weight kept adding and my gray kept growing and things just turned bad all together. It sounds so dramatic but it wasn't. I just kept finding myself struggling. Really, should it be that difficult. Should I feel that the accomadating was part of my job?
I could list all the wrongs that were never righted. I could say all the expected backlash rageful unkind things and people would say "ah, she is heartbroken. she doesn't mean it.." But here is the thing. I don't feel that way. I dont' want to say nasty things, I don't feel like raging. Honestly, at night when I lay quiet and I talk to my god I often find myself saying, "thank you and wow I am glad that is over!". Cause it was never right in the first place.
Intuition, we should teach kids to pay attention to feed the fire of the knowledge of the soul, to realize its the only thing at times in thier lives that will be on their side and just as any story of a heroes journey it will lead them to the right decisions. It sounds like I am doing the ole 'if I knew now what i knew than' but guess what I did know than but I choose to believe this would be different.
It wasn't different and it didn't end pretty. But, I am here today and grateful unsure of the future and broke financially. But, I am not in a self destructive life and I am not choosing to go inward and collapse I am looking out and counting my blessings and promising my inner self that I will pay attention after all these years I finally shall give it its due respect and pay attention!