I’m often approached by substance abusers of all ages, either by mail or e-mail, which I would like you to note is my preference, or less often in person, which I tend to discourage, couple of reasons, to be honest the standard of personal maintenance associated with junkies is frankly appalling and annoys me and secondly in person there is usually some attempt made to sell me something i have no need for for quick cash, like their mothers artificial leg or an incubator they have somehow lifted from a hospital with the baby still in it, where was I?, that’s right, in the middle of one of those endless sentences, and these individuals admit that their tolerances are way up and their supplies are so variant in quality that it’s merely a matter of time before they overdose and so they ask me whether I might have any suggestions to help them prepare for an overdose in any way more classy than they could engineer themselves.
I have decided to write it all down for reference sake and to curtail from this point the mundane task of repeating myself.
There are three main elements in upgrading your overdose, substance, method and location.
Now most heroin addicts for example are fairly wedded to their substance of choice, it really is quite astonishing how loyal they can be. But to a heroin addict I will suggest mixing it up a little. Whereas your heroin overdose is, from the inside, a familiar rush of physical, spiritual and social eiderdown descending over you more ominously heavy than usual as you fade to black, a speed overdose is far more spectacular and given most overdoses are one way things I do try and emphasize that perhaps a certain effort be considered.
Imagine you are standing on top of a small thermonuclear device, separated by a thin but completely isolating substance, a magic plank of you will, and in your hand is the detonation button. The resulting explosion will propel you skywards at a rate that is almost inconceivable. That is a speed overdose, if done properly your heart and mind should explode simultaneously. Which is pretty classy.
There are, of course other substances both esoteric and mundane, alcohol, nutmeg, cocaine, datura, carpet-fluff etc. etc., but experience has taught me very little can be done to dissuade people from their poison of choice, I mainly bring the substance choice issue up to expand peoples minds, help them get smarter, make sure it’s a well informed decision on their part.
So to, as I bring up ‘method’ I know my wisdom is mainly falling of deaf ears, most hard core substance abusers are extremely conservative overall. [Which is why they do so well in radio talkback.]
I do challenge my listeners to look at alternatives. I point out that you could OD in one rapid exercise with a needle but for just a little more expense you could smoke heroin over a fifteen minute period and with the right attitude and lung capacity you could climb the stairs towards your overdose rather than taking the elevator. As always it’s the little things that define class.
Finally there’s the location to consider. You have no idea how irked I get when people choose to waste their deaths in some alley or lying on a bare mattress back in their grotty bedsits or even surrounded by do-dads in their penthouse apartments. I realize that substance abusers generally have subterranean self images and so my unhappiness is quite predictable but still form is important to me.
I remind people that substance abuse is one of the most transparently passive aggressive lifestyles invented and if you are not prepared to go all out then here’s a cigarette, go kill yourself incrementally.
I outline what I consider the elements required to boost the kudos of an overdose and while many cannot for whatever reason replicate all of these superior classy attributes I feel it’s kind to give people without real aspirations at least something.
The ideal overdose should take place in a foreign country, a country that does not share your language and a country in which overdoses are extremely rare, like Japan or Saudi Arabia, it should take place in the classiest restaurant you can get yourself into. You should make a day of it, start early with the eating and drinking, it’s not like you will be paying the bill, make lots of new friends, promise them things, jobs, the lend of your yacht, just surround yourself with people newly invested in you, this is classy passive aggression and also gives you the knowledge you’ll be directing dramas from the grave which in itself could be more control over anything or anybody than you had living which is an added poetic aspect you may not have considered.
Obviously go to the restrooms as often as your condition demands but for the final trip, lose all your paraphernalia and just use foil and a lighter and some heroin, this method will allow you a small window in which to flush the foil leaving your death a bit of an initial mystery.
Cheaper alternatives include Disneyland, confessionals, and Jamborees.
Hope this helps. And remember, stay classy.
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