where the writers are
It's Okay, Honey, You Can Always Try Again Next Year

Okay, it's my first public confession: I love "American Idol," even though I know it says in the Bible you're not supposed to have any idols except the Bible-approved idols. And we're not supposed to worship Mammon, who was a losing contestant in Season Three. But if I took every word in the Bible literally, I would be out campaigning for the HuckHead (TM), wouldn't I?

A case of this year's flu strain - also known as the "Think You're Well On Day Five? HA! Take This! And THIS!" strain -had me laid me up in the bed with a perfect excuse to watch the Season Seven premiere in living color and 1080p. And it was no disappointment, although for a moment I thought Simon Legree was actually going to get up from his chair and go hug the pitiful morbidly obese girl Temptress whose sad, sweet, twice-as-morbidly-obese mother was waiting outside in her wheelchair. Simon didn't hug her, but he did walk out with her to her family, and even talked about her kittens and her dog, in a pale and exceedingly belated attempt to seem like a human being.

Note to Simon: If we need a human being in the role, we're not going to choose you. Especially if you keep showing your gooey side. Stick to what you do best.

The rather abrasive gal with all the glitter makeup on did a very nice job of singing "Don't You Want Somebody To Love" in a Slickian style and was unfairly hammered by the judges. If she hadn't decided to spend the next five minutes screaming F YOU! at the camera she might have gotten some gigs out of her appearance. (Maybe she got some gigs anyway.  I hope so.  The sight of the tiny studio apartment she shares with her mother made me root for her, hard.)

I was all set to extol the virtues of Milo Turk, a way-too-old contestant (who claimed to be several years younger than I; yeah right) who performed his original composition "No Sex Allowed." Now, in search of the teeny tiny picture that Redroom will allow me to run of Milo, I find out he's already a COMER, has been on the Jimmy Kimmel show, and in general was just a STOOGE. A PLANT. I am so crushed. My faith in "Idol" has been shaken.

I can't wait for tonight to see if it can be shaken again. I have to miss a benefit performance of Anderson Cooper at Jazz at Lincoln Center on doc's orders, but he didn't say nothin' about watching bad television.

Okay.  I'm a bad person.  Now you know.