Another of Marisa’s photos, taken a few weeks ago up in Palo Alto. Softness and color, peace and tranquility. Maybe even some sensuality, which the study of a flower can be.
I have wondered at times if I would like to pursue trying to sell some of my photos, or try to make cards out of some of them and seeing if I could make money from them that way. Dreams that I have when things at work are stressful and I want some kind of escape.
So I escape in my mind, sitting in bed, sitting in Google, reminding myself of the cartoon character Wyle E. Coyote, when he repeatedly was reading how to books on how to blow up and/or destroy the Road Runner.
And this is how I have been, like Wyle E. Coyote with one of his "How to get rid of the Road Runner" manuals, myself first entering the words into Google, "How...to...be...a...paid...photographer." Then reading about it. Then wondering if I could really do it, then deciding that I don't know if I have the discipline to keep producing enough photos to make decent money to live on.
Then, the way Wyle E. Coyote would be back reading still another "How to blow up the Road Runner" book, Marisa is back in Google, only this time typing in the words "How...to...make...money...blogging." There! Hit enter! Then the disappointment upon finding most times that what is wanted for paid blogging, is "interesting, topical content on my area of expertise." What am I an expert on? Not much. Only recovery and mental health from the perspective of someone living with alcoholism, bipolar, menopause and these annoying troublesome things called feelings. I am no expert on politics, fitness, or anything else.
I can also sit and look in employment websites and try to find other Accounting jobs. It certainly seemed, earlier this year, that even with the low economy, there were quite a few Accounting jobs in my function. Then around the summertime, they disappeared. I have employment agencies occasionally calling me, saying they want an updated copy of my resume. Then I never hear from them.
But these times of sitting cozy in bed, wondering what is possible, even if I don't find too much, is a nice thing that gives me a feeling of one day, not feeling stuck.
What really is true though, is that this present job I have is ok. It is even more ok if I myself am ok. I think the pay is in the medium range. I can see jobs for my function that pay up to $70,000.00...which makes me irritated as I only make $52,000.00. The other side of the coin is that I will also see my job function listed in advertisements, for only $42,000.00.
Things in my area where I live are quite expensive though, but I still manage to make ends meet. My cash flow has improved too, not having as many bills hitting my checking account each payday. A very nice thing.
I have been with this company for 12 years now. I went a few weeks ago, to the doctor who told me he would put me out on medical leave indefinitely if I needed it. I told him the day I rushed out there, thinking that the new Japanese manager didn't like me, that I wanted to return to work after my visit with him and give my notice. He made me think, saying the words, "find out about (this and that) first and get back to me. I don't want you to burn your bridges." And here I still am, not having done what I thought I was going to do a few weeks ago, which would have been to quit.
I have wondered too, if no jobs are coming up or coming open, if I don't get calls on my resume...because the universe knows I am not ready to make a move yet. Karma or something. Deep down, for a few years now, I have thought, "I will stay here until my menopause is over and then I will earnestly try to get out of here." Just as has happened when I was ready for new romantic relationships or new friendships, just the same way these things appeared without effort when I was ready, I am wondering about that same readiness now in relation to staying with the company I work for.
There are also some times when I wonder if I am not finding anything else employment wise because I keep hanging onto my current job. Is my fist wrapped so tightly around this present job that nothing new can come to me? There is a saying I heard in recovery long ago that God can't put something in your hand if your hand is hanging on to something else.
In the meantime, I keep taking photographs and blogging, and showing up for work. Even with the loneliness that I feel at this job so often, I got a taste last week while I was on vacation all week..."What if I was at a loss for what to do if I quit working indefinitely?"
In the very least, my employment and any other events and stress, give me more to write about. The stress can get me to take more photographs to give me some escape. And the results of what comes out of stress, is now quite a growing collection of beauty in the form of artistic and creative photos.
So my job and its issues and stress and my daydreams and disappointments, one good thing that comes of it all is fodder for continuing the journals, the blogging that I began over a year ago, and the beauty and peace that I feel while taking the photos, and while enhancing them and getting them ready for the view of others. So many things have a good side and a negative side. Maybe this morning I am more in the mood to look at the good.