The Catholic Pope is God......isn't he?
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When I was a little girl I thought there was only one religion, Roman Catholicism. It was the center of our lives: morning prayers, daily mass, nightly prayers, confession on Saturday night, mass on Sunday morning, Lenten season, fasting, no meat on Friday. The list was endless. My dad had even been in the seminary for two years when he was a teenager and his sister was a Benedictine nun. I figured this qualified us as friends of the Pope. Everyone knew the Pope was infallible. That meant he was” incapable of error in defining doctrines touching faith or morals”. I looked it up in the Webster Dictionary. When I got older and eating meat on Friday was no longer a sin I wondered what happened to the little old ladies who ate meat on Friday and died on Saturday before they could get to confession. Would the Pope bring them out of hell?
Then there was the Examination of Conscience, guided by a rule book that contained all of the sins, based on the Ten Commandments. The Catholic Religion had its own interpretation of each commandment. All of this I believed without question, even the things that made no sense to me. The Catholic Religion wasn’t supposed to make any sense. It was made up of mysteries and there again Webster was the total authority when he said that a mystery was “a religious truth that one can know only by revelation and cannot fully understand”. We always knew that the Pope was in charge of telling us what was right and what was wrong, what we could believe and what we must not believe. Isn’t that how the shepherd handles his sheep?
When I was thirteen my father entered my bedroom in the middle of the night and raped me as I lay on the bottom bunk with my rosary under my pillow. My father was the Pope in our family and none of his actions or decisions were challenged. My life became a nightmare filled with sexual and physical abuse. I ran away from home at the age of 18, but took my Catholic beliefs with me. It was to prove my undoing.
Soon I was married to an Irish Catholic who was an alcoholic. We had four kids in three years. The doctor told me to stop having babies. I hemorrhaged with each birth because I never allowed my body to heal and he said another one would kill me. The Catholic Church outlawed birth control but I was desperate. I explained my problem to my priest asking if he’d give me permission to use birth control pills. All of my Catholic girl friends were using them. The priest showed me to the door and told me never to come back until I got those sinful ideas out of my head. My husband was angry. No more kids; we have enough. Take the pill. I was torn. Did I want to go to hell? No. Did I want my marriage to fall apart? No. What to do, what to do. I started taking the pill.
It began my descent into a life of unhealthy choices. Obeying the commandments no longer seemed to matter. I was already going to hell so I might as well break them. I stopped praying my daily rosary, stopped going to mass, and stopped going to communion. What difference did it make? The Pope was God and if he said I was going to hell, I was going to hell.
My first marriage ended in divorce; after five years I couldn’t take my husband’s drinking anymore. I married again, this time to his boss. He was not only an alcoholic he was a womanizer, beat me up and I found out years later he sexually abused my two oldest daughters. That marriage ended in divorce too. After that I was a single mom for many years and my confusion about what was right and what was wrong was an unsteady influence in my life.
I began to study other religions, starting with Catholicism. There was a lot they hadn’t told us about the history of the popes and the church in my Religion Class under Father Sudbeck. I discovered that in the early days the popes concentrated on secular power even heading their own armies in struggles for territory. The Catholic Church produced the Spanish Inquisition, one of the most evil times in the history of man. This was a huge shock to me. Some popes were corrupt; some were married; some had mistresses and children. In 1870 the First Vatican Council proclaimed the dogma of papal infallibility. The Catholic Church now had the ultimate in patriarchal power.
I continued my search, going to Protestant services and to a Buddhist Temple. I decided that if I was an alien landing on earth and wanted to see samples of the earthling’s religion and they took me first to a Catholic Church and then to a Buddhist Temple I’d come out shaking my head. What was the difference? I spent years not only reading about other religions but meditating on all of them, finally arriving at my own truths. Eventually I wrote a book called A Common Sense Spiritual Path. In it I wove together everything I had learned about religion. I wrote about how you had the right to choose your own spiritual path and how to do it. I had finally decided that the pope wasn’t God; only God was God. I returned to the church but on my terms, sprinkling common sense into the mysteries, something not allowed in the Catholic Church.
Today when I heard about the priest who molested 200 children at a school for the deaf and dumb in Wisconsin several years ago I was ashamed of my religion, wandering if it was time to walk away again. The New York Times spelled out the culprit:
“Top Vatican officials — including the future Pope Benedict XVI — did not defrock a priest who molested as many as 200 deaf boys, even though several American bishops repeatedly warned them that failure to act on the matter could embarrass the church…”
This is our Pope, the man that most of the faithful believe is infallible.
After much reflection I’ve decided that just because there are bad presidents doesn’t mean I can’t be an American. Thus, even if there are bad popes it doesn’t mean I can’t be a Catholic. I’m not a sheep. I’m a shepherd.
“Repair Your Life” is a must read for all survivors of sexual abuse. It should also be
read by friends and family members close to the survivor. Counselors will also greatly
benefit from the book. “Repair Your Life” will give you tools and resources to help you
on your journey of recovery.”
— Reuters Review written by Paige Lovitt for Reader Reviews (4/08)
About Margie
I am the founder of The Lamplighter Movement, a rapidly growing international movement for recovery from incest and childhood sexual abuse. Our website is at www.thelamplighters.org. As of January, 2013 we have 92 chapters in thirteen...
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Causes Margie McKinnon Supports
American Cancer Society, Catharsis Foundation, National Alliance to end Sexual Abuse, Darkness to...
Margie’s Favorite Books
Gone With The Wind, War and Peace, Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, The Books You Read, The 100: A Ranking of the Most Influential People In History, Faces of...
I found your post to be very
I found your post to be very interesting. The condition of the Catholic Church in Ireland, as you are probably aware, is very fragile to say the least. So many sexual abuse cases coming out of the closet - so much dirt yet to be revealed. I am no longer a Catholic. m
No longer...
A quotation from Antonia White's Frost in May:
Leonie propped her chin on her rake. ‘I’d never advise anyone to become a Catholic,’ she said. ‘If you’re one, you’ve got to be one. But you can’t change people. Catholicism isn’t a religion. It’s a nationality.’
‘It’s funny, Leo,’ mused Nanda. ‘You say the most extraordinary things; you’re awfully slack about prayers and all that, you’ve even got a copy of Candide bound up as a missal, and I believe the nuns know, and yet you get away with everything. Yet if I do the slightest thing, I’m punished.’
‘Because they’re not sure of you yet. You’re a nicely washed and combed and baptised and confirmed little heathen, but you’re a heathen all the same. But they’re sure of me. In ten, twenty years, I’ll be exactly the same. It’s in the blood. I’d as soon be a Hottentot as be anything but a Catholic. It may be nonsense but it’s the sort of nonsense I happen to like…’
The conversation above, as you may have gathered, takes place between two (twelve-year-old) children—one, Leonie, from a ‘very old and very wealthy family whose name, to Catholic ears, had something of the glamour of Medici or Gonzaga…’ and the other, Nanda, a recent convert, from a Protestant family. It is preceded by another, perhaps more illuminating, exchange, an excerpt of which I think I should include here. It begins with Leonie:
‘Do you really believe all the things in the catechism, for example?’
‘Why, of course.’
‘You mean you want to believe them? Being a convert, you have to make an effort… more than I, for example. And so you come to believe them better than I.’
‘But don’t you…’
‘Believe them? I don’t know. They’re too much a part of me. I shall never get away from them. I don’t want to even. The Catholic Church suits me much too well. But it’s fun to see what a little needle point the whole thing rests on.’
Nanda’s world was spinning round her. ‘Leonie, what on earth do you mean?’
‘Well, for example, there’s no rational proof of the existence of God. Oh, I know there are four the Jesuits give you. But not one that would really hold water for a philosopher.’
‘But, Leonie, that’s sheer blasphemy,’ said Nanda stoutly.
'Not necessarily. It doesn’t affect the goodness of the beliefs one way or the other. After all, there’s no rational proof that you exist yourself.’
This had never occurred to Nanda. For quite fifty yards she walked in deep thought. Then she burst out: ‘Good heavens… it’s quite true. There isn’t. Leonie, how awful.’ ‘I think it’s rather amusing,’ said Leonie, beginning to whistle. _______
I find dogma to be nonsense. I love reading it. I love reading most moral philosophy. But - I despise patriarchy, particularly the insufferable, myopic and immoral version of it that makes men "called to Christ" not only indifferent to the suffering of women and children but perpetrators of that suffering. This is not my personal experience, I hasten to add. I had good priests, wonderful ones at times, in my life (mostly Franciscans) and extraordinarily kind nuns. As you know, I was a nun myself (for many reasons other than credence in dogma). And yet, despite the fact that I now prefer the tenets of Judaism and have spent the last ten years going to synagogue with my husband and enjoying the richness of that heritage and unprecedented generosity and kindness, I could not say I was "not a Catholic." Not really.
The way I was brought up by Jesuits, Benedictines, Franciscans, Augustinians etc. etc. etc. ensures that I will approach anything I think about in the manner of my training. I will look at culpability. I will look at eschatology. I will choose duty over pleasure and my vocabulary will contain words like concupiscence, scruple, schism; and phrases like "examination of conscience" and "sins of omission" - applied differently, secularly, even, but employed.
I like my cultural Catholic background. I like my philosophical grounding, my Latin, my sense of aesthetics. I love a good many people, and I honour my own history. But I don't like much else. So, until hell freezes over I continue my mixture of Pantheistic Buddhist Celtic Judaism, coloured with medieval Catholic pageantry and infused with a great deal of personal philosophy, the basic tenant of which is that any patriarchy, nay anyone who harms and/or destroys the innocent should burn in hell. Otherwise, quite a pleasant little personal credo.
And I am so so horrified and so so sorry - distraught really, to think that these things happened to you, your children, the women and children of the world. This is what churches are meant to prevent, not produce.
Margie, I am so glad
you have found happiness and peace at last.
I am a Catholic and found my way there, after decades of searching, from the opposite end of the spectrum.
Because of its fear of the slippery slope of "Relativism", the Church can appear to be authoritarian and right-wing, and the stark disciplines taught us, before we find our hearts taken over by love, lend themselves to distortion in the wrong hands. There is nothing like perverted Christianity for being a tool for evil, because it is possessed of God's good power in the first place.
Anyone can be tempted and go wrong. We know that Christ himself was not immune to temptation in this Fallen world, but had the Presence to rebuke Satan.
Unfortunately, being a priest does not guarantee any kind of grace and "revelation". As you say, a bad President does not make you un-American. We trust God to help us find our own inner path, bolstered by the faith, but not necessarily by those who presume to be its pillars.
What I do like about Catholicism is its primary call to humility, so absent from our modern way of thinking and an underlying cause of Western discontent.
Those abusers surely do have a millstone around their necks and it is hard to believe they have not willingly placed themselves past redemption. Thankfully for the repentant few, we are not called upon to judge.
Thanks for an honest and thoughtful post.
Sorry Rosy but it is
Sorry Rosy but it is difficult not to refrain from making a judgement on the Catholic Church! ''Anyone can be tempted and go wrong''. Yes, they can and most anyone would be sent to jail immediately but not the men of God as in the Catholic Church. No, these people are moved around and protected by Canon Law. Surely, one can believe in a God without the umbrella of a corrupt church to guide you along. In fact, you can live a life without a church and never commit a crime. Shame on the Catholic Church. What a complete sham and shambles. m
Mary, thanks for your insights
There can be no doubt about the extent of the evil done by the Catholic church which has received much publicity simply because it is historically the church of St Peter, from which all other Christian denominations spring/dissent/have evolved. It does render the crimes heinous to a degree.
Whatever human beings have made of it and whatever dire wrongs have been committed and lives ruined, it is the perversion of the faith which brings these things about.
We are free to believe in anything we wish, but the Catholic church does need a lot more people of your passion and conviction to be praying within it. If you do believe in God, that is your best recourse on all matters which trouble you. And prayer becomes more powerful and fulfilling when it is preceded by thanks and worship. God takes over where our efforts leave off.
At least that is my personal experience and, I think, that of many Christians of all persuasions who (often struggle) to do overwhelming good for humanity throughout the world. We're not saints of any description. We're fallible mortals. Failure to live up to the standards one aims for is not the same thing as hypocrisy.
Rosy
Rosy, thank you for
Rosy, thank you for respecting my comment. I respect yours. best, m
Thanks to both of you
Thanks for an opportunity to look at both sides of the coin. No one knows for sure what causes a Catholic priest to molest a child. Would that same man in fact still molest children if he had never been a priest? Do other religions have the same number of molesters but it hasn't come to light yet? Those would be interesting stats. The Catholic Church, as well as other religions, do a great deal of good. But there is a dark side to most of them as well. Eliminating the dark side and the causes of them is what we all need to do.
Thanks again for your comments.
Margie--I was reading about
Margie--I was reading about your Catholic childhood and thinking how sweet and secure it felt with your father's seminary training and your aunt a nun. (I have Catholic grandparents I never knew since they died while my mother was young. So I was enjoying identifying with your description of your family life.) I was thinking that this is how Catholicism is meaningful to famillies--regardless of the doctrines I have never understood. Then came the shocker of the rape. I could hardly believe it. From such sweetness to such horror. It was hard for me to endure even reading it. And to think a child had to endure that. How astounding that you have been able to come through all you have suffered and find and keep your personal faith. I cannot imagine having to live with such repeated abuse. You have to be a very strong person. I could never accept or believe any one was infallible, so I could never become a Catholic, but I always respected my Catholic relatives. I so very much liked what you said--that only God is God.
Unfortunately, you are correct that other denominations also have sexual perverts and molesters. Without the organization and structure of the Catholic Church, these non-Catholic church leaders are perhaps less likely to be found out. A member of our Writers Guild (an educated man) has written a book about such a "church" here in Southern Illinois a couple decades ago. He did speak out when he found out the truth about this pastor and church--but no one believed him. So this abuse continued for years. Any time people are taught to not think for themselves and to not use their God-given minds and simply accept another human's thoughts or lies, people are in trouble.
Margie........I was reading about
Sue,
Thank you for your reply. Sometimes it is tough to have the memories in my brain that spring up at unexpected moments. I went through five years of recovery (at the beginning of which I was married to my 3rd abuser, filled with despair, suicidal and living part time in a women's shelter)and emerged totally healed and had literally gone back to that which I was before the abuse started. I feel there was a purpose in what I went through and that makes it easier to bear. Today I'm the founder of The Lamplighters (at www.thelamplighters.org) an international movement for recovery from incest and child sexual abuse. We currently have 48 chapters in 6 countries. I'm also the author of 4 books on recovery, REPAIR Your Life: A Program for Recovery from Incest & Childhood Sexual Abuse, REPAIR For Kids, REPAIR For Toddlers and It's Your Choice! Decisions That Will Change Your Life. The first two were released last year and can be found at any book distributor's website. Amazon.com has several 5 star reviews on both. The last two will be released in a few weeks.
What is hardest to bear is the knowledge (found out when I was half way through recovery) that my 2 oldest daughters were sexually abused by my 2nd husband (who is deceased and when I confronted him on his deathbed with what he had done he said, "Yes I did it. So what. It was their fault not mine." They were 4 and 5 years old. My youngest daughter was raped at gunpoint when she was 17. So you see I've made it my life's work to help eradicate what is a multi-generational problem. Children of an untreated incest victim stand a 5 times greater chance of being molested themselves.
Most of us have a cross to bear. I keep in mind the adage: "I cried because I had no shoes till I met a man who had no feet." There has to be a purpose for so much sadness, especially to the innocent. Only my daily communication with God and especially the mother of God keeps me balanced. I so totally agree with your last comment about people who are taught to not think for themselves. God gave us free will. It took me many years to learn that and to use it but I finally got it. Today, while I love my faith, I cannot be a sheep, following blindly at whatever I'm told. That to me is the cause of so many world problems. Thank you again for your comments.
Margie
Margie, Sue, Mary
it seems to me that wherever Truth resides, there is a dark and forceful counter to it. In this world, light and shade, good and evil, run back to back. There is an ongoing battle being fought until evil is confounded through the Cross of Christ, or the foreshadowing of it.
This corruption isn't confined to the Catholic Church. Whether the enforced celibacy of priests is per se a factor is hard to determine. But it does seem to me that the RC setup lends itself to providing a refuge for abusers in the first place, which is a different matter.
I tend to feel that celibacy should be a matter of personal choice and, with the influx of defecting Anglican priests who are already married, it is bringing this issue to a head.
On the other hand, I've known a number of Anglican priests and Protestant ministers who have been entirely torn between duty to their families and to their vocation. Sometimes this is exacerbated by the view held among clergy wives that they ought to be able to pursue their own career path alongside their husband's. They married the man and not the job. No one could argue in theory, but the reality is somewhat different. The man is the job. His vocation frequently has to become hers in the order of things, if they are to survive.
If tackled conscientiously, as I'm sure it is in the majority of cases, it has to be one of the toughest jobs there is. They are on call day and night to sick, bereaved, those suffering all kinds of trauma and crisis, as well as those contemplating suicide. I doubt it was ever a harder calling than it is today.
Rosy, I totally agree with
Rosy,
I totally agree with your last comment. I can hardly imagine what it's like to be married to your job and have that job be 24/7. We need a periodic escape from the harshness of life or we would have a permanent meltdown. It is those moments when we recharge our batteries that makes all the rest bearable.
There is no escape from the dark side to life but there are options to making them bearable and even using them as learning experiences. It's how we react to life's lessons that makes the difference. I'm fortunate in that I am an optimist at heart. When I do have dark and stormy times I somehow fight my way out of them and find myself stronger as a result.