Several years ago, while I was living in LA, I was heading east on the 91 Freeway when I noticed a green Jaguar in my rear view mirror driving very fast as he approached my right side. When he became abreast with my car he rammed into it, then stepped on the gas speeding away. Madder than a hound dog, I took pursuit. While weaving in and out of lanes trying to keep up with this idiot and honking my horn at him I saw a car on my left, their passenger window down. A lady stuck her head out the window and hollered, “We saw it all. We’ll testify. We’re with you. Get that guy!” I was amazed and kept on going now followed by my new friends. Then I saw a car to my right roll their window down and holler, “We got your back! We saw it all. We’re with you. Go get him.” Even more amazed by now I floor boarded it as I saw the green Jaguar head for the Green River off-ramp. I followed right behind him, honking my horn, my head out the window hollering for him to pull over. I noticed my other new friends following the first new friend car.
We all pulled over to the side of the road as the Jaguar came to a stop. I hopped out and went over to where he was standing. “Look what you did to my car!” he demanded pointing to a large dent in his side fender. I was stunned and pointing out the dents in my own car, we soon got into a screaming match. The other two cars emptied of their occupants as they joined us. They immediately began telling the true version of the story and that if he didn’t give me his name, insurance # and phone# they were calling the cops. They were ready to testify. Needless to say, while it took a few months, I eventually received a check for the damage done to my car.
I can’t tell you what this did to my belief in the goodness of human nature, especially the part about being your brother’s keeper. I’m sorry I can’t say the same for what happened at Penn State. Like most of us you are probably in shock. It’s one thing to have deadly accusations of 40 counts of sexual abuse against Jerry Sandusky; it’s another to be a witness and not lift a hand to stop it. Tim Curley, the longtime Athletic Director of Penn State had been told about Sandusky sexually assaulting a naked ten year old boy in a team locker room shower. In the midst of all the flying accusations and denials, coach, Joe Paterno and school president Graham Spanier were fired. The former vice-president for finance and business, Gary Schultz was also asked to leave. It is required by state law that Schultz and Curley were supposed to report to a law enforcement agency any knowledge they had of improper behavior by an adult to a child. This never happened. Are none of them their brother’s keeper? According to Fox News Report, “Among the charges is an alleged assault in 2002 that was not brought to the attention of police, according to a grand jury report, even though top officials at Penn State knew there was an accusation of inappropriate behavior.”
I keep trying to imagine what it would take for an adult who prides himself on the Penn State slogan, “Success with honor”, and is aware of his defensive coordinator’s sexual abuse of young boys to decide that he is indeed his “brother’s keeper” and step forward with the truth. If this had been done when the abuse first started coming to light it might have saved some of those eight boys from carrying the deep shame, the black cloak of humiliation and the sign “I am unclean and no good” that they will wear with silent hearts and pain wrenched souls for the rest of their lives. I would like to have just five minutes alone with Joe Paterno, with the President of Penn State, with Tim Curley. I would like to know how they would feel if it were their son in the headlights of Jerry Sandusky, an innocent youngster about to become a prey. I have a son and to the best of my knowledge he has never been sexually abused. The thought that someone would single him out for such a treacherous deed makes the killer instinct in me come to the fore.
Too many of us think we are not our brother’s keeper. Not my problem. I stay out of other people’s business. Don’t get involved. Most of us (I hope) have the maturity to differentiate between stepping in to save someone from harm and getting involved with something that really is not our business. If you’re in a shopping center and you hear a couple wrangling about which store has the cheaper prices I doubt if you need to step in and either referee the argument or tell them your opinion. On the other hand if you see a child in a stroller and someone grabs that child while the mother’s back is turned and begins to run with it, it is my hope that you (and me if I were there) would give pursuit screaming, “Stop that man,” and eventually wrest the child away from the stranger.
These eight boys (and there may be more) deserved someone stepping in and saving them from the fate waiting for them. If there were at least five adult males who were aware of Sandusky's behavior you can bet there were a lot more than five. That particular problem must have been discussed with others who also felt it was not their problem. The thought that there may be a dozen or more people who were aware of what Jerry Sandusky was doing with young boys and didn’t lift a finger to stop it or report it is mind boggling. Even Tim Curley and Paterno, who had been told about an incident, had an obligation, to follow up and make sure something was being done so that Jerry Sandusky was apprehended. How do they sleep at night?
When following the path that Sandusky took, one can see that the suspicion that he was a pedophile had been evident for years. A child’s school district banned him from their property in 2009. The decision was made to separate him from all program activities involving children at the Second Mile, a foundation he established to help at-risk kids. The irony of this cannot be lost. Charged with sexually abusing eight boys over a fifteen year period, much has been written in defense of Sandusky, how he’s so shaky, how he’s never faced criminal charges and about his distinguished career. The students were upset, congregating in a large crowd near the administration building. Were they upset about what happened to these young boys? No, they were chanting, “We want Joe back!” Football and their beloved coach, who had been fired, were more important than eight children being sexually abused.
I guess they’re not their brother’s keeper either.
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"Ezekiel 3: 17-21"
Ezekiel 3: 17-21
Hi Margie,
After hearing about the heart wrenching Penn State scandal, I immediately thought of several accounts ( of different neglects) that adults were afraid to stand up for the innocent child or victim. As sad and sorrowful, and no excuse is excusable; I feel (and pray) that Penn State opens the eyes of other situations who have feared to stand up for the children and adults - As, “My Bother’s Keeper” and the blessed angels who have supported you in your car accident.
One of my favorite scriptures: Ezekiel 3:17-21 “Son of man, I have appointed you a watchman for the house of Israel. Whenever you hear a word from my mouth, you must give them a warning from me. 18 When I say to the wicked, “You will certainly die,” and you do not warn him – you do not speak out to warn the wicked to turn from his wicked deed and wicked lifestyle so that he may live – that wicked person will die for his iniquity, but I will hold you accountable for his death. 19 But as for you, if you warn the wicked and he does not turn from his wicked deed and from his wicked lifestyle, he will die for his iniquity but you will have saved your own life. 20 “When a righteous person turns from his righteousness and commits iniquity, and I set an obstacle before him, he will die. If you have not warned him, he will die for his sin. The righteous deeds he performed will not be considered, but I will hold you accountable for his death. 21 However, if you warn the righteous person not to sin, and he does not sin, he will certainly live because he was warned, and you will have saved your own life.”
I've tried putting something similar into right words, in ‘Silent Accomplice’ (that I’ve heard ‘taking’ and ‘neglect’ are actually forms of abuse) which sadly comes to serious and devastating pain and behaviors for children and adults, as well:
http://redroom.com/member/catherine-nagle/blog/doing-good-and-silent-accomplice
Thank you for your well written letter of heartfelt compassion that is certainly coming from your ‘true life’ experience. I only hope that my essay adds attention to all of our morals, (of fearlessness) and that it is never meant ‘my or our’ judgment, but rather, Ezekiel 3:17-21 - and that we do it rightly, and without any harm.
Truly,
Catherine
the
Hi Catherine,
Thank you for sharing that Bible verse. I'm in the middle of reading the New Testament for the second time. It took me a year to read the whole Bible and I fear it will take the rest of my life to read and re-read until I understand it all and maybe not even then. It is difficult to make wise decisions in life and unfortunately most people want to "cover their butt". One of the most difficult problems in child sexual abuse is the family members who know what is happening and do nothing to interfere. A variety of reasons prompt this: the mother who is secretly grateful that her husband is getting his sex from someone other than her. (if I didn't know that to be true I would think this excuse is something someone made up), the young brother who knows something bad is happening but not sure what and he's too afraid of his father, the perpetrator to interfere, the grandmother who lives with the family and sees the terrible damage her son is doing but knows if she interferes he'll go to jail and she won't have a place to live or someone to support her anymore and so on. It's unbelievably sad. Life is so filled with dark shadows.
The Emperor Has No Clothes
Margie,
Your posting gives any half-awake person who reads it a lot to think about and POSSIBLY react to. I say "possibly" because even here on Red Room the most provocative and insightful blogs like yours usually elicit little response, and our group is supposedly among the "best and the brightest." It will be interesting to see if your blog proves to be an exception in this regard.
As Chaucer observed centuries ago, "If gold rusts, what shall iron do?" Therefore, recognizing that Red Room members must surely be among the "gold" of our day, we don't need to look very far, not even as far as Penn State, do we, to realize that we have a much bigger largely unnoticed "elephant in the room." It is towering, indeed looming, over us and casting its long shadow on our entire way of life.
One ancillary observation on the "lighter" side but still illuminating the cultural mindset set forth in your blog and confirmed in Chaucer's quote: Having experienced male behavior in group showers from high school gym through military service, for several reasons I would not look to or expect this microcosm of our society to set an example or in any other way to rescue us from our cultural malaise. For starters, except for the briefest of remarks ("Good end run, Dave") WITHOUT exchanging glances, men almost universally remain in their own cocoons for fear of being labeled a voyeur or worse. We men have to be meticulously careful even in individual toilet stalls, as a former senator from Idaho learned, when, of all things, an undercover cop thought he had extended his foot too far into an adjacent stall. Hence, being their "brother's keeper" in this macho-seething milieu with rigidly observed cultural norms is about as unlikely as the proverbial hell freezing over, to say nothing about the steam and mist-filled atmosphere in often dim lighting making the ACCURATE discerning of any activity beyond a few feet a virtual impossibility. And a male rarely SPECULATES about other males in showers! Moreover, one places himself in great danger by being the first to report that the "emperor has no clothes," if you catch my figurative meaning.
Thus, all outsiders, especially women, should know that men have several good if not iron-clad excuses, perpetuated, condoned if not encouraged by our culture, for NOT being their brother's keeper in group showers, and that whatever happened at Penn State is but part of a larger cultural mindset
Hoping these comments have maintained an appropriate balance of serious thought with insightful humor, I remain
Sincerely,
Brenden
Brenden
Emperor has no clothes
Thank you Brended for your response. Your oh so clear description of a men's shower reminds me of my junior and senior years in high school, a naive and innocent child from a small midwestern town transplanted into LA and having to experience her first ever high school showers. When they first told me I was to take a shower I thought they were joking and said no, I'd rather wait till I got home. I was anorexic and there was no way I was going to let them see my twelve year old male body. I soon found out that was not an option and while drying off I saw one of the Gym teachers using a towel to take swings at certain parts of the more endowed female bodies and was horrified. They seemed pleased to be singled out. This went on every time I took a shower, although I was never the target. I wonder why. I found out later that this Gym teacher took regular outings to the beach at night for a get together with some of her more amply endowed pupils. I now look at this with a different light. We are only innocent for so long. I can so understand why the male of the species would not be able to drag any wrongdoing that went on in a shower into the light. Sad, so sad. Why can't life be innocent forever. Part of me is still that twelve year old male body in a women's shower not understanding why something that instinctively I know is harmful cannot be addressed. Thanks again for taking time to respond. I always appreciate your responses.
Memories
Margie,
It seems we have something in common, since I grew up in the rural midwest, attending a one-room country school through Grade 8, and then was suddenly thrust into group showers in a large high school for the whole county. Those with ideal bodies, big egos and most athletic, as you noted, generally fared the best in showers. Not being in that category, I hated shower time, getting in and out as quickly as possible. Without going into details, suffice it to say, male adolescent behavior in locker rooms and showers would sink, I fear, to the lowest possible level were it not for the constant watchful eye of the gym teacher (at least in the locker room when things got too "out of hand").
Not having been in college sports (or group showers on campus) and obviously NOT in professional sports, I have no first-hand knowledge of what the behavior standards are in those venues, but from what I have heard in the news over the years and now recently, for some dominant alpha males there apparently seems to be a kind of "pecking" order, with boys at the bottom of the order in places like Penn State. That boys are being "integrated" there in group showers with adult men, sometimes complete strangers to them, is a revelation in itself, and perhaps a good place for Penn State to begin their obviously needed reforms.
Still, amidst it all, rights and presumption of innocence (for the accused) and "burdens" of proof (for those making allegations) of due process must be fully accorded to all involved, particularly in sex cases because they have a way quickly escalating out of control into varieties of the Salem Witch trials, and we all know the excesses and injustices that occurred in those chaotic proceedings.
Not to belabor the point or bore you with additional examples, but back in the 1980's in a small rural Minnesota town (Jordan) some 20 miles distant from our own suburban home, a couple incidents in homes engulfed more and more people with the assistance of a zealous county attorney, reaching a peak of near mass hysteria of reckless, clearly imagined incidents and allegations, until the whole bizarre episode finally culminated in total absurdity and utter confusion. Very little was definitively proven in court, and the county attorney's career ended in disgrace. My understanding is that over the decades, similar episodes have occasionally occurred in other communities.
Let us all hope that justice can be served to all involved without our getting into another one of these sensational episodes (the media circus, etc), especially at a time when we have such serious other national problems that deserve our undivided focus if we are to solve them and avoid economic disaster.
Brenden
Memories
Margie,
It seems we have something in common, since I grew up in the rural midwest, attending a one-room country school through Grade 8, and then was suddenly thrust into group showers in a large high school for the whole county. Those with ideal bodies, big egos and most athletic, as you noted, generally fared the best in showers. Not being in that category, I hated shower time, getting in and out as quickly as possible. Without going into details, suffice it to say, male adolescent behavior in locker rooms and showers would sink, I fear, to the lowest possible level were it not for the constant watchful eye of the gym teacher (at least in the locker room when things got too "out of hand").
Not having been in college sports (or group showers there) and obviously NOT in professional sports, I have no first-hand knowledge of what the behavior standards are in those venues, but from what I have heard in the news over the years and now recently, for some dominant alpha males there apparently seems to be a kind of "pecking" order, with boys at the bottom of the order in places like Penn State. That boys are being "integrated" there in group showers with adult men, sometimes complete strangers to them, is a revelation in itself, and perhaps a good place for Penn State to begin their obviously needed reforms.
Still, amidst it all, rights and presumption of innocence (for the accused) and "burdens" of proof (for those making allegations) of due process must be fully accorded to all involved, particularly in sex cases because they have a way quickly escalating out of control into varieties of the Salem Witch trials, and we all know the excesses and injustices that occurred in those chaotic proceedings.
Not to belabor the point or bore you with additional examples, but back in the 1980's in a small rural Minnesota town (Jordan) some 20 miles distant from our own suburban home, a couple incidents in homes engulfed more and more people with the assistance of a zealous county attorney, reaching a peak of near mass hysteria of reckless, clearly imagined incidents and allegations, until the whole bizarre episode finally culminated in total absurdity and utter confusion. Very little was definitively proven in court, and the county attorney's career ended in disgrace. My understanding is that over the decades, similar episodes have occasionally occurred in other communities.
Let us all hope that justice can be served to all involved without our getting into another one of these sensational episodes (the media circus, etc), especially at a time when we have such serious other national problems that deserve our undivided focus if we are to solve them and avoid economic disaster.
Brenden
memories new
I was born in MN and spent my early growing up years in the iron ore range in a small town called Bovey (new Hibbing) where my grandparents had lived all their lives (we were Finnish). Were you born and grew up in MN as well?
I so much enjoy your comments. You have an amazing brain.
Margie
Origins
Margie,
Thanks for your kind words. Though now living near Minneapolis, I grew up on a small farm in northern Wisconsin, with a climate and forested landscape undoubtedly very similar to the Hibbing area, and I worked my way through college with the help of scholarships based on good grades. I am mostly Danish (Hansen on mother's side).
Your topic encouraging more focus on being our brother's keeper is one most of us need to be reminded of in today's culture. For example, I just heard on the local TV newscast from Minneapolis that some big retail stores now plan to open on Thanksgiving Day itself, thus basically destroying for their workers the traditional observance of this holiday. Aren't these big corporations getting more and more obnoxious and disrespectful of families and our nation's traditions? I hope the media shame them endlessly. Next, they will want to start their sales of left-over merchandise on Christmas Day itself. They certainly aren't being their brother's keeper. Our whole culture is changing in very disturbing ways.
Be well and have a great Thanksgiving.
Brenden
Origins
Margie,
Thanks for your kind words. Though now living near Minneapolis, I grew up on a small farm in northern Wisconsin, with a climate and forested landscape undoubtedly very similar to the Hibbing area, and I worked my way through college with the help of scholarships based on good grades. I am mostly Danish (Hansen on mother's side).
Your topic encouraging more focus on being our brother's keeper is one most of us need to be reminded of in today's culture. For example, I just heard on the local TV newscast from Minneapolis that some big retail stores now plan to open on Thanksgiving Day itself, thus basically destroying for their workers the traditional observance of this holiday. Aren't these big corporations getting more and more obnoxious and disrespectful of families and our nation's traditions? I hope the media shame them endlessly. Next, they will want to start their sales of left-over merchandise on Christmas Day itself. They certainly aren't being their brother's keeper. Our whole culture is changing in very disturbing ways.
Be well and have a great Thanksgiving.
Brenden