THE ROYAL FAMILY

My good friend Jack Boulware just emailed me and asked my opinion (presumably as a British ex-pat) about an article in the UK newspaper, The Spectator. The article takes the form of a for-and-against debate, in Diamond Jubilee year, about whether Britain has declined under Elizabeth II or not.

Unfortunately, Jack chose to ask a man most of whose ancestors lived, starved, and died in daub and wattle huts outside the safety of castle walls. People who down the long, cruel centuries, in between being sent off to be slaughtered in France or The Holy Land, were regularly worked to death, raped, or used as target practice.

To be fair, we did have a go at being a Republic for a while, back in the 17th century, but honestly we made a complete pig's ear of it. We ended up having to get Charles II back, albeit gelded of any of the omnipotent political power his ancestors had previously enjoyed at our expense. From that day forward, the Royal Family were forced to find other ways to live like, well kings, while the rest of us huddled round out TV dinners and baked beans on rat.

So, have the Royal Family been a good thing for Britain? In the current Wall Street criminal-induced austerity that has Britain in its "$10 for a gallon of gas" grip, the Royal Family still costs about 40 million pounds ($63m) a keep in the manner to which they have become accustomed.

So, if I cast around and try to think what this gang of robber baron, inbred, jug-eared, chinless parasites could do to benefit England in her hour of need, I'm thinking ... hmmmm... how about... oh, I don't know, perhaps ... The public trial and banishment of the entire Royal Family as part of the opening ceremony for the 2012 Olympics?

I mean think about it, what breathtaking Olympic spectacle are they going to stage in London for the opening of the 2012 games? How are they going represent Britain to the world? Three blokes on bicycles worrying a sheep? Dancing dolly birds in Union Jack mini skirts? Bankers in bowler hats chasing bulldogs trailing strings of British bangers? Why not dress everyone up as a bush to represent the green splendour of England’s green  and pleasant land.

And one more thing, let’s not forget that the atrocities the British aristocracy practiced (and perfected) within the confines of our tiny island home turned out, once we had sea power, industrialization and a big enough army, to be a bit of a warm up for them then invading three quarters of the globe and committing precisely the same crimes against humanity in the glorious name of Empire.

How do I like the Royal Family? Preferably working in a chicken processing factory in China!

You hadda ask Jack!
www.bgitpress.com