I clambered onto a chair and up onto the polished top of Grandma James’s front room table. I looked round, my head just about level with the crowd and spied Auntie Christine over in the corner next to her Dansette record player. She was old, about 14 I think. Anyway, she wore a big girl’s party dress with lots of layers and had pop records. Her idol Cliff Richards was warbling on about his living doll when Uncle Bob said:
“Come on Christine, turn that bloody racket off so we can hear this.”
She shot me a furious look but did as Uncle Bob said. Most people did. I was determined to impress her. I started marching up and down the table imitating a cartoon from a paraffin advert from the telly.
“Boom-boom-boom-boom Esso Blue!” I proclaimed, and then segued into “You’ll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth in Pepsodent” grinning out at everyone from behind a face full of teeth. Then I hit them with “Nuts! Who-o-le Hazelnuts! Cadbury's take them and they cover them in chocolate!” to the tune of The Banana Boat Song, moving on to wow ’em with a big finish:
“The Milky Bar Kid is tough and strong,
The Milky Bar Kid just can't go wrong,
The Milky Bar Kid only eats what's right,
That's Milky Bar, it's sweet and light, Nestle's Milky Bar!
The Milky Bars are on me!"
This was a sure-fire winner as everyone thought our Roy looked just like the Milky Bar Kid from the advert. As I lapped up the good-natured applause I saw Roy beetroot red at the back of the room. Dad handed me my prize glass of Stones Ginger Wine. Aunty Christine swanked past me in her frock.
“Well at least Cliff has got nothing to worry about!” she said with her snoot in the air.
We’ll see about that, I told myself, and slugged down my drink.
Causes Luke James Supports
Doctors Without Borders