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Gandhi: I Was Napoleon’s Horse

I’m not sure why exactly but it seems reincarnation isn’t linear in its timeline. Also, it seems that part of Karma’s reward and punishment system is that in your newly reincarnated form you get to carry some degree of memory about your previous life. This is not such a big deal if you are working your way back up to being human. If, for example you are a cat and you sometimes vaguely remember, or even dream vividly, that you are a terrified mouse crouching in some skirting board cavity. But when you regress back from human it is definitely not pleasant to remember anything about your previous life.

You see I was once a human, a famous human, Gandhi. You might have heard of me. But I am currently Napoleon Bonaparte’s favorite horse, Marengo. Isn’t that an awful name, sounds like a piece of fruit, or a dance. Would you credit it, for Gautama’s sakes! I was sure my peaceful resistance to military force together with my willful self-starvation would have moved me up from human to the very edge of a state of nirvana.

Instead of which, I now have this fat, French rump pushing a saddle down into my middle back. He’s also a little too fond of the spurs for my liking.

Has this happened to me because of vanity, was I too prideful in taking on and beating the might of that fat bitch Victoria and her empire of the eternal sunshine? The jewel in her crown, were we? Well we managed, thanks to me, to become the kidney stone in her urethra. And we made her piss us painfully back into the Indian Ocean, where we belonged. I hear that we went on to have our own city names back in place of all those English upper class, public school, plummy mouthed, couldn’t care less what the wogs call the place approximations.

However, where I am now is right at one of those decisive points in history, the battle of Waterloo. It is this victory that will allow that tiny island of pasty-faced madmen to continue on their way as they enslave half the world with their massacres, their flag, their stupid bloody cricket, and their snooty bloody afternoon tea.

If you know even a little world history, you will have realized that my reincarnated form is not further down some linear time line from my previous life. It turns out that time does not move in a straight line from the past through the present and into the future. Not unless we perceive it as such with our bloody stupid, half -awake at the best of times, conscious minds. Our meaning machine brains. Bugger it all the way to Hell and back. The truth is that time is really Karma’s silly putty. It seems that everything in time may have occurred at the same instant everywhere in the universe. Life as we know it is simply various collections of cells that arise, thrive briefly, and before dying experience small snatches of that one all-encompassing simultaneous occurrence of everything everywhere.

And I’m sorry if that doesn’t make sense but I am after all only a horse. I have horse sense, it’s not my fault if you don’t.

To make matters worse, I have what feels like a touch of hoof rot starting in my front right leg. Add to that this fat, old, French megalomaniac planted on my back, has me standing on a hill watching two huge armies drawn up opposite each other. They are about to engage in a mass mutual slaughter that will ultimately allow the bloody English to spread through the world building their sodding empire, raping and pillaging poor mother India, bringing with them disease, railways, piles of corpses, and trousers with genital crushing tailoring. And let’s not forget their bloody awful notions in the cuisine department.

If only this Bonaparte idiot could see that he’s going to be outmaneuvered and have three quarters of his army cut to bloody ribbons before the rest of them run for it. But he can’t see it all. Keeps going on about how the English are just a nation of shopkeepers. Well, they look like fairly lethal greengrocers to me just at the moment Boney.

But all I can do is stand here with my weight on three hooves, unable to express myself other than letting out the occasional “neigh, neigh”, or raising my tail and taking a shit.

3 Comment count
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And here I always thought you were impersonating General Wellington at the Edinburgh Castle!

  Good to see your blog here, old friend.



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Mr. Fraser, sir! Great to run

Mr. Fraser, sir! Great to run into you here in the red room. Good to see you're firing on all cylinders and doing what you do best - writing!

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Well played Sir...

Assuming that you are deserving of the name "Sir" without the existence of time. This must mean that your timeless entity requires my approval... thus approved. Personally, I love thoughts on reincarnation, especially when it always, I mean always involves someone of great importance in our linear understanding of time. Nobody ever recollects their previous life as a peasant desperately searching for potatos so his wife doesn't get raped again by a noble that will some day be reincarnated as the rat he is. I enjoyed reading your post, many good concepts that I support, including your concept of time... to a certain extent. This is a wishy washy, wonderfully wacky world we are living in that is so very maliable... but not in the sense that you are describing. Your description is anti-linear and describes what our linear understanding of life has created, not what it is capable of creating. Your timeless understanding of life appears to be measurable. I say this simply because you speak of how it is, instead of how it could be. Yes, I agree that this thing we call life somehow revolves around Karma, but your understanding of this concept seems somewhat forced and limited. If we are reincarnations and reproductions, then why are we doomed to reproduce the same results? Have we no influence? War and greed and power and blah blah blah will soon lose its stranglehold on humanity and hopefully the powermongers that are supposedly being reincarnated will meet their ill-fated and well-deserved end in an existence without a punchline. Personally, I believe we keep coming back to this world until we figure it out. Life is meant to be happy and good, if we don't believe and portray that, then karma will recycle us until that concept makes sense. If we are a product of the past, then the future is and always will be our own creation - all day, every day!