where the writers are
Ladies and Bugs

“Ya know, all this talk ‘bout plagues and locusts and bugs. (hiccup) I’m right offended by the implication that we—us bugs—were sent as punishment. Right, Ernie? I mean, come on, you don’t hear us going on ‘bout humans do ya?”

“Frank, can’t we just chug a slimy slew without you ramblin’ on about the bible? Who cares anyhow? Humans don’t see nothin’ that ain’t right in front of their faces. And half the time, even when it is, they ain’t listenin’.”

"Well, humans don' have much to be going on about. Life was a whole lot more peaceful before they showed up anyhow."

"And how would you know? You're gonna be dead next month anyway!"

"Thanks for reminding me. (hiccup)"

“I think you’re taking it all a little too seriously. You and your buddies go cruisin’ for good eats, the humans grow the good eats, and then you all show up and put them out of their hard work. It’s gotta be gratin’ to have that happen time and time again. Besides, ya’ll aren’t very attractive anyhow. Big stick legs, pokey, buzzing. Hell, I don’t even like you all either. Give me the willies.”

“Right—thanks a lot, Ernie. Teach me to ask a lady for some support.”

“Aw, don’t be like that –ah, ah, don’t cry now! Good bug, it’s embarrassing! Now, I know you got your feelings all hurt ‘cause that you made that kid cry. But it wasn’t your fault. That girl had big bushy hair! Even the best of us woulda been stuck in that mess.”

“But the way she looked at me! LOOKED at me! (hiccup) I thought I was a goner—that she was gonna snuff me out right there, squashed all over the sidewalk! Then those boys said –they said— (sob)”

“There, there. You’re not really a plague, ya know? Humans—well, humans just gotta have stories to explain whats going on. Otherwise they get confused, scared like. It’s nothing personal. You should hear the stories they got ‘bout black cats!”

“No, no, no, Ernie, see that’s the problem with all this (hiccup) We’s got feelings too, ya know? (hiccup) I mean, I know you’re a ladybug so this is probably lost on ya, but how would you feel if every time you showed up for the harvest, people ran screaming? (hiccup) How many times could you endure before ya start to feel like a – like a freak, ya know?”

“I’m a LADY bug. Ya know how humiliating it is to be cooed over? To have little kids runnin’ around, blowing kisses and making wishes? I’m a guy. A guy. It’s a crime against bugkind I’m tellin’ ya. If there IS a god, he’s got one messed up sense of humor. Are you drunk, Frank? You really don’t know how to hold your slew. It’s embarrassing! I’m supposed to be the lady and you’re falling all over yourself after two rounds. Oy, Leonard! Make Frank’s next a rain drop would ya? Don’t want him puking all over again.”