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What's the Message

A few months ago, I was having lunch with a friend who is an avid reader. She is always telling me about the latest book she has read and sometimes I am envious of the fact that she reads so many books in such a short period. On this particular day she was wound up about a book she had just finished and strongly suggested that I read it. I decided that this is a “must read” and bought the book.

As I began reading it I became somewhat emotional with mixed feelings ranging from anger to sadness to joy and even sympathy. After reading a couple of chapters I could not continue and thought it best to put the book aside and maybe go back to it at a later time. The book: The Help.

I am not sure whether my initial reaction to the book was based on my experiences and those of my mother and other women I have known who worked as maids; or because it was written by a white woman or because my friend who recommended it is white. I do know that I could relate to the maids. I worked as a maid right out of high school and my mother who had a college degree worked as a maid after leaving the work force to raise her children. Even though both of us were educated and spoke “proper grammar” in the eyes of our employer we were still just maids.  Our experiences were not as bad as the ladies in the book but humiliation in any form is demeaning.

After a few weeks, I returned to the book with the intent of finishing it and taking away the positives from the story because it is well written. Just recently, I saw the movie. What bothered me most about the book and the movie was not the content but the message readers and viewers may take away.  Many bring with them a preconceived impression of blacks and black families based on stereotypes passed down from generation to generation. In many ways the story reinforces some of the negatives with few positives to offset those negatives. As I read the book I reflected on an experience I had in the 1980’s because someone made an assumption about me based solely on my race.

I describe this experience in detail in the prologue of my memoir, The Road to Someplace Better.  After leaving my days of working as a maid; getting my undergraduate degree from Howard University; being awarded an MBA from Harvard (the first black woman to get a Harvard MBA); I was well established as a successful entrepreneur by the late 1980’s. To promote my business and make important contacts in the business world I joined selected organizations. One such organization was a prestigious women’s organization whose membership was comprised of highly successful entrepreneurs, corporate executives and government officials. A member living in New York decided to have a cocktail party at her apartment and invite members who lived on the East Coast. I resided in Maryland at the time and saw this as a great opportunity to expand my horizon.  With great anticipation, I booked a hotel room and plane ticket. I gave special attention to my attire, carefully selecting an outfit which I felt was appropriate for a successful entrepreneur.  

After a short time to relax in my New York hotel, I dressed in my stylish knit suit and with my mink coat warmly tugged around me, I headed to my evening out.  As I entered this elegant building on the upper eastside, the doorman greeted me warmly and pointed me in the direction of the elevator. I rang the doorbell and was greeted by an elderly white woman, whom I later discovered was the mother of the hostess. She was visiting from someplace in the south.  I smiled, announced my name and informed her that I was there for the cocktail party. Her greeting was not very warm but I thought nothing of it. She turned and asked me to follow her. Within a minute I found myself standing in the kitchen. She thought I was the maid and was there to serve the party!

My first feeling was that of anger as I thought: “This is 1980! How can people be still making assumptions like this”? My next thought was that my attire should have indicated otherwise. How many maids show up for work dressed as I was? I immediately informed this woman that I was a guest. The look on her face was priceless. She quickly showed me to the room where other guests were gathered. For the rest of the evening she was like an appendage, not letting me out of her sight. 

As I scanned the room of guests, I saw that I was the lone black woman in attendance. Nonetheless, that was no justification for anyone to assume that the only black person had to be a worker instead of a guest. My feeling toward this woman went from anger to sympathy. This may have been the first time in her life that she has been in close contact with a black woman other than one who was a maid. We are a product of our environment and teachings.

In my opinion some important messages from The Help are:

1. These were courageous women who did what they had to do to support their families.

2. They worked for a better life for their children; note the woman who needed $75 to get her son registered for college. Not much attention was given to this.

3. Some of the employers did have a conscience but were afraid to follow what they knew was right.

4. It is easy to be influenced by those with whom you associate.

5. Racism is taught. Children do not see race as an issue until they learn it from others.

These are just a sampling of some of the messages. Today, an important question each of us can ask ourselves is: “How do I relate to and treat people of another race as an employee, co-worker, neighbor, etc?”

7 Comment count
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Upper East Side Insult

Just wanted to say that somehow, I don't believe that upper east side Granny thought you were a maid at all.

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Response to Delorys

It was quite clear that she thought I was and her actions afterward showed that she was truly sorry she made that assumption. In any event taking me to the kitchen instead of the living room was an insult.

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Let's Get Rid of "Isms"

Sexism I've experienced on a personal level, but not racism.  For you there are or have been both issues in combination, I'm sure.  What a hard road to have to fight to be valued for what and who you are, and then thinking you've arrived, find that someone treated you like a stereotype and not a real person.  It continues to amaze me that there are people out there who have grown that little or maybe not at all.  At least you were a catalyst for this woman's growth, but I imagine that might be little comfort.

Down with "isms."


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Thanks for your comments,

Thanks for your comments, Violet.  Yes I have experienced both sexism & racism and sometimes it was hard to know which applied. Nevertheless, for me it did not matter because it takes more than "isms" to deter me. I use such obstacles as stepping stones to higher achievement. I agree "down with isms"

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Age is another negative ism

As we age, us women also face agism.  That's why my novels now are about fiesty old women who get into mischief.  I'm working on the second in a series.  All of us have known them.  The family or neighbors probably gossip about them.  But secretly, they admire their spunk and tenacity.  Did you have any fiesty old women who influenced you?

I'm so glad you are putting yourself out there to help young women succeed.  Your path is not just an inspiration to African American women.  It is an inspiration to all women who would like to escape their societal/cultural traps.   We need the talents of all to pull this beleagured world out of what seems to be a terminal funk.  When some are hindered from showing forth their talents, we are all diminished.

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There were a few fiesty women

There were a few fiesty women in my life. I try to be an inspiration to women in general but particularly interested in African American women because I have seen it as a great need. Readers of my book and audiences for my speeches are diverse groups which is the way I want it.

Yes, age is another ism. I'm beginning to deal with it. I promote the wisdom and experince as assets of age. I had a pastor who said "Youth and wisdom don't reside in the same body". Some truth to that although age does not necessarily translate into wisdom.

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"Youth and wisdom don't reside in the same body"

What your pastor said is so true.

Yes, often one needs to concentrate where need is greatest.  A person only has so much energy.  The country-bumpkin area where I live unfortunately has very few minorities.  I grew up on a farm too.  Fundamentalism tried to keep me submissive, "Women be in submission unto your husbands," Ephsians 5:22 was quoted to me over and over and over.  Mom was one of the worst at telling me this.  She truly believed it.  I was taught it was a sin for a woman to have a job outside the home.  So I had to overcome fear of eternal damnation to finally get the courage to leave my verbally abusive first husband...he said, "I will be God in my house, woman."  Divorce was a terrible sin.  After 6 years of that, I started college in 1973, dumped him, dumped it all and started rebuilding myself, which included a B.S from OSU.  Not as prestigious as Harvard, but I'm the only woman my generation or above to receive a degree.  I do remember a chemistry prof telling me I couldn't go to med school because I was female.   I'd decided by then I didn't want to anyway, but...the jerk.