(This is long, welcome, strap in and good luck!)
My last girlfriend was a model, a stunning beauty with pellucid features that left a trail of men watching her every time we walked through a city. However hidden behind her deep blue eyes was a bastion of rage that berated the world accusing it of idolizing her for her looks and not her brain. She had studied law worked for a resourceful firm like Price Water House Coopers yet no one recognized this attribute and abundance of education that had taken a lifetime to ascertain. She confessed to me that men where like lethargic serpents with no backbone. Their weakest point was their egos, as when this was overthrown they stood very little chance of facing a solid relationship. I guess when we first met I was in for a lenity ride. She was recovering from a failed relationship with a man that had eventually moved on and now I was the much needed victim to be beaten into submission every time the past was revoked to haunt her. I can tell you now she was in for a surprise. I don’t pride myself in knowing women, but hey! Guess what, I too watched what women want, yes I did, and realized that if the film had any truth to it then like most men out there, I knew very little about what women really needed. However unlike most men, mine was not a hopeless case as in my many years on this earth even though I have learnt to accept this position of illusory humility dictated by man I am still overwhelmed by how little faith we have in our basic sixth sense instinct of judgment.
“Does anyone truly believe that clichés can run our lives? Is soixante-neuf the solstice that brightens our existence or is there more to it than meets the eye?”
Madrid, June 2001, I am settling down in the heat of the Spanish capital succumbing to a pleasant meal in the main city square. I believe all is well between my girlfriend and me, as I had surprised her by taking her to this lustrous city that stays awake through the night. The idea is for her to practice her Spanish while we spend time together discovering a new world and capital. And then it starts. I know it’s not my fault because I am happy just by the mere fact that I am again away from home and I can test my imagination with something new!
‘You never seem to have an opinion about anything!’ she declares.
‘What would you like me to say?’ I respond. In the meantime I am praying silently under my breath that nothing would come of this. You see like any poor male victim when this line of thought has started one wishes for nothing better than to be some place else!
‘I chose the food, I decided upon where we should visit! These are all my decisions, I just can’t be with a man who doesn’t seem to have any direction.’ She continues.
‘Well if I choose the food, you eventually decide against it because you want to watch your diet. If I choose the sights for us to visit you decide against this because you have plans, as you call them, of where and what you want to see. So how can I win?’ I reply sympathetically.
‘Oh you really frustrate me by being so calm!’ she almost screams.
I hold my peace refraining from pointing out the obvious, the holiday was my idea, yes, I may not be a genius when it comes to Spanish cuisine but who is!
‘Boy, I never met a girl that would want to argue about everything!’ I reply almost smiling, as the humor in the whole situation is unbearable and almost makes me giggle. To this day it never stops to amaze me why so much fuss can be made over things like this.
‘Don’t you dare! I mean don’t you dare laugh at me!!’ she almost shouts out in the centre of the street.
‘What do you want me to do? I am short of crying, already girl? You leave me with little choice.’ I reply.
Well I can carry on here to tell you how the argument turned out but that could take all day as one never knows where these things start and end and besides that is not the point I am trying to make. The question here is what can I tell you here that you don’t already know?
As humans our thirst for knowledge is boundless in which case we tread through information like a herd of wild cattle seeking new pastures to prune. No doubt in relationships especially love above all this tortuous journey is even more of a challenge.
I learnt that talking to a woman was not enough, making love to her and loving her with all my heart and soul was not enough either. Being patient understanding her needs and playing the game of balance of control did not fit either in to the picture. So where did the sex therapist go wrong? How could I tell if our conversations where genuine, that we both shared the same thoughts, same emotions and feelings. I can tell you now that all the books I read and magazines could not satiate my curiosity. Oh don’t get me wrong! They taught me plenty and churned me in the direction I face today unfortunately as I have said already we run through knowledge with an insatiable appetite so nothing is ever enough. In which case I just never seemed to find the right answer! Every time I thought I had, like the instance once when I kept a relationship for three years believing that it was the one for me, that marriage would eventually be on the cards I was again proven wrong as life kept me in a container, a humidor of suffocating paralysis as I again lost the girl of my dreams to become a man broken through a failed relationship.
(You were warned you have no excuses, follow the story in Part II)