Face it at one time or another you have had to deal with this problem, the voices that never stop talking in your head. They come to you especially in isolation but you have to choose which to follow and when to follow. The story below is taking from my first book Divinity Dawns. It is an experience worthwhile sharing.
‘When would it all end? When does the pain stop and victory start? How did I get here?’ London 2002! I listened to the virulent nature of these grievous questions storm through the depths of my mind and I knew what was to follow. It was hard to tell whether or not I was hallucinating as I felt myself dive through furrows of uncertainty wondering if I would stand firm on the path I had chosen. The constant hammering I had received had weakened and drained all nourishment from the ligaments that held me together. This was no surprise for I had used all the positive fragments of my imagination and I was now psychologically disheartened by my situation. In this state of mind I remembered the last words of the Lord uttered with pain on the cross:
“Eli, Eli lama sabacthani” and I shuddered in fear of what would become of me. Maybe I was loosing it. Maybe I had reached my threshold of positive resistance and needed support from someone, anyone as in this situation there was very little I could do to withstand the fearsome attacks of weariness that overshadowed my situation.
The ubiquitous nature of my mind depicted the level of stress that had sunk in over time. I had lost everything, fallen from the heights of hope into a wilderness of despair. This had been my last chance I thought and now this too had let me down. I had hoped and prayed earnestly through the tough times believing that when the worse was near the Lord would see me through. Suddenly I was asking myself where all my strength had gone to. In the space of a month I had lost my enthusiasm and was reaping the hair ends of my head. What a world! Why did everything always seem to go so wrong?
‘And how had time come round to this again?’ I asked.
I had been fighting for months now with my back against the wall. The weeks had turned to months running into a year and a half and after several unsuccessful job applications I was back to were I had started and facing the same nightmare all over again. Only this time it was different for unlike before where I had nothing, no house and no worldly possessions, this time I had a house and a car and possessions which I was going to loose if nothing came to my rescue shortly. In 1993 there was no pride in my situation because I had nothing. In that time I had just graduated from university and there was little to expect from a graduate without experience. The options were not plentiful but there was no pride in being on the dole and relying on family support. In November 2002, what was my excuse? I had come through quitting my job and survived. My revelations had proven to restore confidence in time and perpetuate a constant flow of potent stamina to deal with tough times. After bagging hours of this confidence and belief, the horizons had cleared to reveal my dream job in the distance. I was elated and celebrated victory with the thought that attending an interview after such a long time was a gift from God. There was no doubt in my mind that this was it. Success loomed in the distance for my efforts and this was the Lord’s way of rewarding me. However again it turned out to be a hoax as the interview fell short of the position. The employers never called back to inform me of the result and again I was left to stare into the welcoming arms of the London community claimable benefits scheme.
Was this my only way out and could I sustain a living through this? Desperate times but not a measure worth considering giving the wisdom I had learnt through faith and the spiritual man. I listened intently for the resonance in victories from gruesome battles already fought analyzing through each time I had managed to rise to the challenge. Back then tears had come easily because I knew less, now they seemed to have abandoned me like the drought season on a farmland. In this condition even this emotional outburst would have been a welcoming sight as I would feel comforted just by seeing a response in my emotions. The numb feeling and the isolation that surrounded me was deafening. I needed something, something divine, distinctive, a voice or calling that would tell me what to do to save myself from the holocaust of depression. To walk the path of the spirit is to reach the point of true weakness in the flesh. All the true believers that have served the spiritual path have witnessed the fear and pain that comes with every wave of distress. At such times the spiritual man reflects on the good times for hope believing that by protecting his sanity he can make it through the struggle. In my situation I looked back at the hope of a time when I would be with June running wildly on a beach and enjoying the rush of the wind in our faces. However as this beautiful thought crossed my mind the elements of doubt followed suit as I wondered whether or not she would return. Was it possible that we would ever be together again? Who could tell? Why didn’t she call, why didn’t she feel my pain and come to my rescue? This would be a sign from the Lord that he was listening to my prayers and cries of despair! I decided to push away the doubt and think positive, telling myself not to worry for when the time was right she would return and we would share better times to come. Captured in this instance of despair it was all I could think of to keep my mind from failing me. This was a wise gesture. I was holding through weary times and not being engulfed in despair. I imagined a house with a large pool. I imagined myself swimming the extent of the pool like a marine animal wondering at how glorious my life had turned out to be. I wondered about being in love, making love and asked myself if this was ever going to be possible again given the state of my mind. How long had it been? Too long was the answer! Was I weak thinking this way? Wasn’t this only possible when one was locked up in a prison? I told myself that maybe I was in a prison of sorts, one with the Lord, in whose shelter I was held to endure the distress of the world.
I turned to the psalms of the bible and found myself stumbling. Sometimes it is terribly hard to read the bible when one is in distress! I could hardly turn over the pages for each word cut through me like a knife in my heart. They gave me reassurance yet in the weakness of my discomfort I couldn’t hold on to them. I closed the bible and decided not to pursue that route for it was a book to be read with spiritual strength and not doubt. So where was the answer? The word of God had supported me many times, could this be another possibility? What could I remember?
“The Lord is my light and my salvation of whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life of whom shall I be afraid?” Courageous words spoken by David yet the question arose of whether I had it in me to feel the same? So many questions I thought yet no answers. Then there was the experience of others to go by. I thought of Abraham, he had lasted through many years waiting on the Lord to give him a son and eventually when he had been given one he was asked to sacrifice it. Was this what was happening all over to me? I had passed through this place of despair many times over and more was still asked of me now could it be possible that there was still something in me capable of giving back to the Lord? So why didn’t others suffer what I did or feel the strain I was going through? I thought of my friends, they came to me for advice and support for so many things yet they faced very little of my discomfort.
The damnation of envy for other’s good fortune in the absence of yours! I immediately told myself I won’t be caught in this trap of self pity. Then I thought of the poverty in the world the children that suffered in poor countries from starvation, disease and war. These were my people I told myself, I could relate to them quite easily for we shared the same turmoil of the day. They were courageous and lived through the pain and suffering of the earth. I thought of the rich and the times that I could spend being rich if I ever succeeded in my endeavours and I felt disgusted. When everything was done for one it was hard to understand what lay in the spiritual world. I knew that on this path weakness in the spirit shall follow for it was hard to give up the good life, admiration from friends and family and the position in society. There was a prize for being rich and having all the worldly comforts beside you. I knew that on this path I would also be unhappy because I would always feel the pain of the poor and never be able to completely fit in with the rich. This was something serious to consider. If the Lord decided on the fortune of the spiritual man and if he offered us riches in abundance then why should we turn them down? I wasn’t happy where this was leading to as I was doing the very thing I had avoided doing for a while now since I had chosen the spiritual path. I had learnt not to ask silly questions but accept what was given to me as a blessing from God. Even if I was at a dead end in the flesh I had to seek a way out in the spirit.
When the hard times come by so do the voices in one’s head. You enter the first stages of madness and learn how to talk to yourself. At first you think this is the beginning of the end, people watch you and say that ‘you have lost it’. The only advice I can give you from the benefit of my experience is hold firm and fight with everything you have got. I entered this phase in my life after my problems became overwhelming. I was alone and had been that way for quite sometime relying solely on the Lord and the warmth he had given me. I reflected upon the revelations in my life and felt it would be weakness to fall back into the normal life we all lead of seeking security and guarantee in the things of this world. Yes! It would be nice to know that there was a job out there paying the bills, a house and wife to come home to but the way in which one went about getting those things was also important. In the bible the was a time when the disciples of the Lord wondered whether or not it would be possible to feed the masses that followed their master and in those times the Lord showed them that when in need he was able to perform miracles out of nothing. In the spiritual world this is the same wisdom we all have to adhere to. It is weakness to give up hope and fall into the arms of man hoping that he would save you from despair. I knew immediately that this was not an option for me for when it would be all over and I would be again feeling the strength and warmth that comes with positive things then on reflecting back to the doubt and shame in my weakness I would feel that I had let the Lord down. I thought of how Esau sold his birthright to Jacob for a glass of water to quench his thirst and I knew that I could not make the same mistake, for if I had learnt anything from the spiritual world it was that a day could make the difference. I felt that if sleep came and I closed my eyes for a few hours when I woke up again my fortune would have changed and I would have renewed strength and energy to cope with the turmoil of despair.
Time eluded me as I waited for better times in the confines of my apartment and with the Lord’s guidance I found the strength to go on my knees and pray for my salvation. I prayed earnestly for the Lord to help me out of depression and give me the strength to cope with my mishaps. I was entering into winter and the festive celebrations that followed with no guarantees for the future except prayer and hope that my time would come. I decided to give my burden to the Lord and lay in bed waiting for calmness to settle in.
‘Do not fight the voice,’ I told myself, ‘make them work for you and victory would be yours.’
And as if in answer to my prayers the voices in my head became words with meaning. Then a thought of the past came rushing to the surface like water in a newly opened fountain. I remembered my life long dream of becoming a writer. I remembered the many stories I had told my brothers and sisters. I remembered the books I had read and my travels, the revelations and the times gone and those to come. I had tried on several occasions to write a book without success as I was always tied up by work or other distractions in my life. The short stories I had written in the past amounted to nothing and I could never get enough words to fill the gaps or make up the characters to match my imagination. At this point it occurred to me that I had a story to tell of my spiritual experiences in life. They had amounted significantly over time and would be of benefit to others. I got up from bed on this cold morning in November and wrote the first pages of my book realizing immediately that it would be a long journey in to my life.
I can tell you now that if there is anything I have learnt through the hardship of time and the longsuffering in the spiritual world is that we should not be defeated by the voices in our heads. We should make them work for us and let the Lord guide us in everything we do. I learnt through the pain and suffering that it was a lot easier to handle the travail in life by accepting each day as it came by and surviving through to the next without a thought of the guarantees or securities invested in the future. Today I can tell you that my story is told of the escapades of my spirit through each day of survival. I never planned to write about this day nor is this a rehearsed pattern of events. It is just another day in the life of my spiritual diary which I wish to share with you.