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Transitions

 

 

     Transitions

 

     I: Overnight at Dad's

            Tuesday night, dark as death except for
            the digital clock that beams 3:28.
            The kids are with my wife, who left nine months ago.

            The teachers say they're doing well,
            except Scotty, eight,
            has problems with transitions. 

                    <> 

            Wednesday evening Scotty settles himself at the piano.
            Kate, ten, takes me into her room to discuss
            what we've never talked about before.
            She carefully prints what she wants to say on lined paper:
            "Daddy, if it were me
            you'd be all the husband she should need."
            I hug her and say "I made mistakes—
            we both made a lot of mistakes."
            She says "Did you kill anyone?"
            She looks at me squarely as if
            nothing less would warrant this.
            Kate says, "Jesus says we should all forgive.
            You know that, Daddy."
            I say, "Grownups' lives aren't so simple,"
            as Scotty pushes through the door
            crying, "Don't leave me out like this!" 

                    <>

            —calm them.
            Lie down with them until they doze off.
            Then get up, clear the table, start the dishwasher,
            finally tumble in with them—
            hug one child then the other through the night. 

                    <>

            Wednesday night at 4:12 I think about my mistakes.
            Jesus called sin, "missing the mark."
            But scholars are going over the evidence now, the scrolls,
            and only a few words can they agree on.
             I'll bet "missing the mark" won't make the cut . . . 

            The clock says 4:46 when I start worrying about Scotty— 
            slow at moving from one thing to another.
            We expect so much from these kids

                        —transitions—

            you never finish what you're doing

                        —you're interrupted—

            but the toughest thing about transitions
            are the sores you bring to what's next.

            At 5:16 I put my arm around lightly-sleeping Kate,
            who, thank God, seems to feel safer that way.
            There is no doubt she breathes deeper now.
            Feeling unexpectedly blessed, I draw a deep breath myself,
            bone-tired, head toward sleep. 

     II:  Waiting for Dawn

            Although Kate and Scotty have their own rooms,
            when their mom moved out we all slept in the double bed.
            Everyone said this was chancy with a daughter,
            so for a while Kate slept by us on a floorpad,
            then in her own room, just to the East.

            Still my boy sleeps with me.
            If I touch him while he's falling asleep
            he recoils and I retreat.

            Toward morning, though, while it is still dark
             an arm or leg or his back touches me.
            When I turn and lightly hug him,
             Scotty melts to my body like a pillow.

            At the first hint of light,
            old here-I-come-ready-or-not-dawn,
            I loosen from Scotty and think of Kate.
            Alone and being to the East, she will have to face it first.
            She seems to have been born knowing this. 

     III:  Middle School

            "Scotty, you wanted me to wake you before I go to exercise,"
            I say at 5:45 to Scotty, in his own room now.
            I touch him and he pulls away.  "Here, hot chocolate," I say.

            At six, jockwomen, stopwatches around their necks,
            grind me through lunges, freeweights, crunches, and pushups
            before we head off to do "stadiums," where we climb the
            80 stairs to the top.  After three trips, I'm sweating, breathless.
            The bowl gets steeper up high, so the last eighteen steps are brutal.
            My heart pounds in my ears, but I keep going,
            and the pause at the top isn't completely unlike orgasm,
            hunched over crying for two breaths into my folded arms
            only to then look up, out over the waking town I call home
            where Kate sleeps and Scotty fiddles with his math.

            When I get back, Scotty is at the piano.  "Homework done?"
            I ask, and he returns to the coffee-table where he's working.
            I make sure Kate is up and pour myself some grapefruit juice.
            When she joins me I say "good morning," and she glares,
            then says, "Please tell me you didn't wear those shorts,"
            and I look down at my blousy neon-pink-and-azure bathing suit.
            "Guilty," I say with a smile, "but I finally did five stadiums."                           "You're hopeless," she says.

            I tell Scotty even if he isn't through it is time to gather his books
            and brush his teeth.  "When Kate wants to leave, she can," I say.
            Now that they ride bikes, Scotty knows he's lost his old power
            to make us wait for him—he stuffs his backpack like a sausage.
            "And your teeth," I say, and he heads back to the bathroom.

            That's about it.  They join the kids pedaling toward middle school.
            Scotty joins choir and Kate's taken up guitar: music abounds.
            By now they are at school and it's like the view after
            I reached the top of the stadium: pain, then an unexpected vista.

            I ache everywhere, but my heart, my heart, my heart has held.