My loss, of friends, has been hard, but, they left me, and you know, it’s their loss, I am cooler than they will ever be.  I’m mental, we are unique.  Complete anxiety is in my blood, and I can’t hold on, I wan’t someone to hold me, but I struggle to run, I can’t hold on.  Forget leaving the house today, The world today is just going to collapse in front of my eyes, like it always does.  Someones always giving someone a hard time about something, people are just mean.  I stay in to avoid the annoyance of those people out there preaching their shit.  Love is the end of happiness.  If I kill myself, I’ll probably be so unlucky that i’ll have be reborn to live a fucked life all over again probably.  There is no end to this, it’s still the same, there is no good, there is no happiness.  Life gets stranger every day.  

Sometimes, depression stems from the pattern of addiction to the depression.  ANd the addiction is not seen.  The brain and body do it unintentionally.  ANd unfortunently, We have to fucking change.  I still have to learn so much.  A lot has happen, like, shit and bricks, over and over again in my life.  I have held up so far as to now, but i think the time has come, to where Iv’e seen enough, had enough, that I need to change my shirt, and take a shower, and forget the stabbings, and give up the chance to fuck everybody up.  All I want is to dismember my brain.    I counter act with myself in the mirror, all i see is this ugly face that hates what they are, and I want to smash the face in the mirror.  But I look in it once more, and try to feel connected, and I walk away.  I drool out my mouth while I crouch in fetal position waiting this panic out, hyperventilating drooling all over myself.  My body lies in bed, it is stiff, and content with staying there and hibernating.  All I do is dissect myself until I’m so depressed I want to die.  All I do is watch cartoons and fuck around on the Internet. I barely even feel the need to deal with my own needs because you make me the butt of everything.  I edge off the cliff just barely enough to see the dark spirit in me fall.  I’m around limit’s, dematerializing other peoples spirits.  I can’t run around them anymore.  And I’m tired.  Straining above the belt line, dematerializing.    somewhere my shadow skipped step and never got back on corse.  Forever unbalanced and shadowed with reverberated darkness.  I have to keep stepping in puddles, to moisten the shadow, and connect it into alignment, to better our balance.    I rely on other people to lift my spirit and count my steps.