I am sitting in front of my window, watching the giant, fuzzy snowflakes as they take their big rollercoaster ride from the sky, dipping and corkscrewing as they tumble down on the invisible track of air. These snowflake passengers arrive via wind and settle down to their new homes amidst the tree branches, porches, and cars, creating a stark white contrast. At first, all I can think about is the snow. How pure it makes the world look, like it's been given a makeover, with fish-belly white as a concealer of the blights of mankind (dirty roads, big SUVs, and strip malls).
But, like a lot of things in life, snow only stays pure for a moment before a car drives over it and mucks up the color to a dirty gray or someone tracks through it, leaving a trail of dirty prints behind. This is how I am currently feeling about life. I have moments of purity and/or clarity of thought and belief, but then I go and traipse all over it with my cynical outlook.
For instance, I have had two dates so far that have actually been pleasant. We talked a lot and there actually is chemistry for a change, yet, I find myself staying a bit removed and I can't figure out why. I want a relationship, that pure meeting of two people who are on the same levels mentally, emotionally, and physically. However, as I date, in my mind, I keep seeing the yucky parts the "snow" hasn't covered up yet. I trounce all over the moments of purity I share with this man as my brain continues to say, "yes, but the snow will pass and you'll be left with the dirty roads and dead grass."
How do you end this type of thinking, when it now seems to come as habitually as my nicotine craving? I guess just stop, but it is sometimes hard to catch yourself when it comes as second nature. I've got to, though, or I don't think I'll ever be able to be happy, as I'll always be looking for the bad lurking around the good. I deserve to be happy and have more pure moments; now, I've just got to convince myself of that. :)