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Dating Sucks

Love makes people do and think crazy things. We've heard this line a million times and yet what does that really look like?

For me, a 31-year old, never-been-married, never-had-kids, owns 2 cats kind of girl, dating has been, well, non-existant for the past year and a half. I refuse to date anyone I work with (been there, tried that, not doing it again), I no longer go to bars on the weekend (not that you can meet anyone of quality there usually anyway), and most of my friends are married and don't have single male friends to introduce me to, so that leaves me home alone with my cats on a Friday and Saturday night. 

What crazy thing has love made me do to combat all of that? Go online to find love.  At first, this is a very frustrating blow to the ego.  I'll watch the number of people visiting my profile go up while the number of new emails and winks stays at zero for days on end.  Then, finally, I meet a guy who seems incredible on paper: he has a masters degree in English, with an emphasis on linguistics, espeically Old and Middle English.  For those of you not familiar with my love of the English language, this is like fireworks and rainbows and puppy dogs for me. 

We correspond for about two weeks back and forth, with long, detailed emails. I am really digging this guy and am eager to continue finding out more about him.  We graduate to talking on the phone and texting, which is also enjoyable, so we decide to take it to the scary next step: meeting each other face-to-face. 

Honestly, the date itself wasn't bad; he was quite the gentleman--he made sure I wasn't cold and bought me dinner and drinks at a nice place and we had a decent conversation. Overall, it was a good date. But there really wasn't the fireworks and rainbows and puppy dogs I was expecting. It just was sparklers, I guess.

That's what leads me to say dating sucks. I am tired of going through the awkward first dates and wondering if the reason the other person talks so much about themselves is because they are nervous or because they are pompous and conceited.  I am tired of wondering if the second and third kisses will be better than the first.  I am tired of not knowing how I will know when I've met the right person.  I am tired of theoretically deciding what I can and can't live without in a man and then re-adjusting that when I meet the "real" men in person.  Truthfully, I am just tired of dating and am ready to find Mr. Right, if he even exists. 

I think Hollywood has screwed me up royally.  Is there even a prince on a white horse to ride you into the sunset? I know the whole "riding into the sunset" thing is more like a life of hard work and compromise to make a marriage succeed, but I've got to believe there is still a "prince," right?

Comments
10 Comment count
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yep

I know exactly where you are coming from and after every breakup I promise I will go into the monkhood and never date again ...ever or until the next time, which ever happens first

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Agreed!

It does seem that right after a break up we vow the celibacy, but it only takes the right chemistry and intrigue and we are willing to forget all of the pain and awkwardness and frustration and have another go at it. I guess in that way we all have selective memories.

However, why can't we, as rational beings, create a way to date that is game-free, question free, meaning only truths are spoken and there is no room for doubt? Or is that even possible? I don't know...so far, I haven't found it.

If you have any tips or ideas, I would love to hear a new perspective... :)

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my suggestion is

well if vows of celibacy aren't of interest then I will give advice that has, oddly enough, led to two marriages (neither of which were mine) see what I do, take careful notes on how I do it, do opposite

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Very George Costanza

Your suggestion sounds intriguing, though I'm curious why you haven't tried it yourself in a sort of George Costanza way from Seinfeld. Remember the episode where he decided to do everything opposite from what he would normally do and it ends up working out sort of well for him. :)

I'll do my best to take some notes on what you do so I can do it opposite, but you might have to fill me in on some details. :)

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Ironic as it may sound...

I'm not a big believer in Hollywood romance. I've had my fair share of good and bad relationships. They're all exciting... and they all seem like the real deal, but when it boils down to it... you really will know when it's the right guy. I know you said that you've heard that before... but, seriously, you'll know when it's right. There is no other way to put it. It's just different.

You've got a lot going for you... I think you're gonna find someone real soon who appreicates all that you are. Keep at this "blog" thing... I think you'll be surprised at who starts to notice you for who you are.

Horrible advice... and non-satisfying- I know!
bro

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Thanks, brother

I appreciate the encouragement and the understanding that I will "just know" when I meet the right person. I'll trust you, as you have already been lucky enough to find that with your wife! :)

I will keep at it, just for the sake that writing makes me feel better. If something else comes from it, so be it; it will just be icing on the cake.

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Maybe...

Reverse what you're doing for a bit. Pick a date that most likely will not go anywhere. Obviously not with a random any old one (an understanding that underpants are normally worn on the INside of jeans could be a prerequisite for example), but someone whose depth does not immediately leap out at you in such obvious packages as degrees and so forth.

But a condition to accepting the date. Rather than a restaurant that will impress you, insist that he takes you where he'd be most comfortable. Some squalid takeout if that's his choice. And secondly, that he then has to take you somewhere afterwards that is "his thing" (other than his bedroom). Latest play in town, football game, the world's scariest rollercoaster ride, so long as it is his choice. Just to check out where the rubber meets the road, in the absence of web-page checkboxes.

Call me an old cynic, but I've figured "happily ever after" is an abstraction. Sometimes real connection and revelations of unexpected creative depth lurk in the strangest places, and in a context we'd least expected. But you just never know... and if you stumble on it, you can figure whether his "air guitarist" career will pay the bills or not later.

Just a thought.

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Great Idea!

I really enjoyed your idea of a different date; asking him to take me to his favorite places as a way to make him comfortable and to find out what he is really like is genius! I like the idea of going on a date that reveals as much about the person as talking to them, so I will definitely try this.

I have also been making a conscious effort to make sure I am not just focusing on looks or what is written in their profile (as most of them sound alike, anyway), but more in how they respond to me and what develops from there.

And you are right...it could be fun to just find a connection in a different way and then start to answer the "mandatory" questions, such as the one you suggested. :)

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A Relationship Usually Takes WORK

Cautionary Disclaimer:  As an old widower from another age, I'm not posing as an expert.

Other than when both are  "smitten" at first sight, be ready to work on a relationship.  The minimum requirement is that both parties are interested and "game" for making an effort.  Rarely do relationships just HAPPEN, especially when the parties are older.

Not only get to know the guy himself , but seek out opportunities to meet his family and his friends; you can learn a lot about him from just observing and "sizing up" these people in his life.  If he is "estranged"/separated from family and/or has almost no friends, exercise extra caution.  He could be a "rare find" or "high risk."

As others have commented above, you'll gradually know/realize when someone seems right for you but it's not often an "instant insight" or "epiphany" moment.

 

 

 

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A Relationship Usually Takes WORK

Cautionary Disclaimer:  As an old widower from another age, I'm not posing as an expert.

Other than when both are  "smitten" at first sight, be ready to work on a relationship.  The minimum requirement is that both parties are interested and "game" for making an effort.  Rarely do significant relationships just HAPPEN, especially when the parties are older. Yes, call me a realist rather than a dreamer!

Not only get to know the guy himself , but seek out opportunities to meet his family and his friends; you can learn a lot about him from just observing and "sizing up" these people in his life.  If he is "estranged"/separated from family and/or has almost no friends, exercise extra caution.  He could be a "rare find" or "high risk."

As others have commented above, you'll gradually know/realize when someone seems right for you but it's not often an "instant insight" or "epiphany" moment.