Words of Comfort?!
You’ve just had a major disappointment, heartbreak or mishap; or you’re just having a bad time. You’re feeling low, sad, upset or angry. Whatever the reason, you’re basically in a lousy place, from which the view is – begging your pardon – crap. You need a friendly ear, so you decide to blow off steam to a friend. Your friend responds as follows:
“Oh, well, never mind”
How dare they belittle the magnitude of your woe or even the magnitude – even if slightly disproportionate – of your reaction to it?
“C’est la vie”
What’s with the sudden French? Unless you’re Cary Grant addressing Deborah Kerr, chances are, you cannot pull this one off. And even Cary Grant added “etc.” at the end of the remark, to send up the platitude of it.
“That’s life”
No kidding. So glad you’ve told me, since I come from a different planet. No, it doesn’t work in English, either, sorry.
“Aww... Would you like a cup of tea?”
Contrary to this three hundred year-old British belief, tea does not help. A glass of Baileys, on the other hand...
“Oh, sorry to hear that. By the way – did I tell you? – I’ve just bought a Picasso”
... And why is this supposed to make me feel better? Oh! Were you going to give the Picasso or – even better – its proceeds to me?
“How awful! The same thing happened to me... (follows an account the length of James Joyce’s Ulysses)
I don’t want to hear your story. I want to talk about me!
“It’s a lot worse for some people”
At this moment I am the most important person on this planet and my problem is the worst in this solar system.
“Don’t worry, you’ll get over it. You never know what’s just around the corner...”
You’re a psychic, now?
“Why don’t you ask so-and-so? Perhaps s/he can help you”
How generous of you to volunteer someone else’s help. Or is this an exercise in delegating?
“Maybe it’s not as bad as you think”
Now, you’re doubting my judgement, on top of everything else?
... And the prize goes to:
“It could be worse”
Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!
Just pass the jar of Nutella, and a teaspoon. No, it doesn’t help the situation. But it is comforting. Yum!
Scribe Doll
Let's just say that I am old enough to know what to do with my young feelings.
”
—(Georges Guétary in 'An American in Paris')
About Katherine
Before you ask – one half of me is English; the other half, a Middle-Eastern mix. I speak English, Italian, French and Russian, which accounts for my hybrid accent which has, so far, been mistaken for South African, Irish, Dutch, US American, German, and one...
Connections
Katherine’s Favorite Books
'La Ragazza di Via Maqueda' (Dacia Maraini), 'A Many-Splendoured Thing' (Han Suyin), 'Berlin Cantata' (Jeffrey Lewis), 'The Places in Between' (Rory Stewart...
Comfort
Empathy/compassion is difficult to express. You may be right: Nutella/ ice cream/ soup/ (fill in the blank), served silently, might be the best response.
I think the problem with the
I think the problem with the above examples of "words of comfort", is that they don't make you feel validated or listened to, when you're upset. Sometimes, all a person needs, is to feel that s/he is understood, and has a right to feel upset. Thank you for commenting, Ron :–)
So true! I find a pint of Ben
So true! I find a pint of Ben and Jerry's eases my pain.
Annette
Which flavour? Sadly,
Which flavour? Sadly, ice-cream doesn't work for me because I don't really like it unless it's a very, very hot day. When I'm upset, anything cold tenses me up even more. Thank you for commenting, Annette.
Funny but true, Katherine. I
Funny but true, Katherine. I think I am prone to say 'what's the worst thing that could happen?'.....m
Actually, Mary, 'what's the
Actually, Mary, 'what's the worst thing that could happen?' is a wise and helpful thing to say, since it helps the overwrought person get a sense of perspective. When people ask me that, I actually calm down. Thanks for your comment.
Console
Dear Katherine,
I’m sorry that your friend didn’t come up with the right words to console you. It’s funny and true, since I’m guilty of all the responses. There’s nothing more that can cut through our hearts like a knife as you’ve mentioned here and, yet, this seems to be our human experience we encounter almost daily. It’s been that way with me all of my life. There I go again talking about me, when it’s about you! But what caused you pain Katherine, has caused unhappiness. I can only empathize with you with what that pain feels like, and it’s not very good. It’s crappy! This is best said by C.S. Lewis, “You too”?
I’d like to be someone who can console you, since it’s a lifelong emptiness that seems unfulfilled by anyone ‘who is human’. Since I don’t think anyone has the right words to convey that’ll bring us back to our peace and wholeness. I’ve personally come to believe it is in us to comfort others, and not the other way around. As soon as we look for it, it’ll disappear.
But how do we comfort another who we want only happiness for them?
I do my best with silence, prayer, and patience. And without a shadow of doubt, believe that we are not alone here, and we have someone with us at all times whose answers are absolute. Otherwise, the most humble heart-to-heart talk comes to disappointment - Of playing the role that could not be humanly possible to answer at most.
Where the problem originated, the answers are right there. And they’re available at all times for us to look within.
We all need a friend like you, Katherine! You’ve dug down deep enough to find the answers for us all!
Thank you very much for your true and heartwarming post!
Truly,
Catherine XO
Oh, Catherine, you are so
Oh, Catherine, you are so sweet! Actually, I wrote this piece with the benefit of hindsight. It's been a while since I have sought consolation from my friends (various reasons). That is why I am now able to laugh about it.
Thank YOU for such a genuinely kind, warm and hearfelt reply to my post. I am deeply touched. Your friends are lucky to have you!
Warmest wishes to you,
Katia
Laugh about it
I knew it, Katherine. It is all too funny, but true. Still, it helps us believe in ourselves more!
Truly,
Catherine
Well written and insightful -
I used to use many of those empty ploys, along with, "Here, let me buy you a drink...." (Are you suggesting I should drink my troubles away?) I went through the process of thinking through all those responses and realizing how empty and useless they often can be.
The response, though, depends on the friend. Some want a sounding board - they just want to vent. Others want a hug. Some want blood. And sometimes, for them, a response like, "Okay, let's talk about this, what is the worst thing that can happen?"
So know your friend. Be ready to fumble for the right direction - words, hugs, patience, Nutello, ice cream, chocolate, marshmallow peeps, cookies, donuts, beer, wine, a long walk, jokes ("Okay, how should we get rid of the body?"), whatever it takes to be a friend.
The bigger point, remember it's about them.
Sorry, didn't mean to make this about me, but it's your fault. You made me think.
Shame on you.
Cheers
Thank you for making me
Thank you for making me laugh, Michael!
Joking apart, you're absolutely right – know your friend and respond accordingly. Another thing, which may sound obvious, is also to respect your friend's choice NOT to talk about something which distresses him/her. Now that I am older, if I have a dark cloud passing over me, I often tend to go into hibernation and not see anyone. You'd be surprised, how many people take offence at "being shut out", even when I try and explain that I need time alone.
Oops! I've just made it about me (goes and puts waste paper basket over her head).
Hibernation
"Now that I am older, if I have a dark cloud passing over me, I often tend to go into hibernation and not see anyone. "
Me too!
Truly,
Catherine
So you understand. Thank you
So you understand. Thank you for that :–)
I do that too. Hibernate. It
I do that too. Hibernate. It is both a curse and a joy. m
Yes. Too much hibernating
Yes. Too much hibernating can lead to self-indulgence and a loss of perspective (at least, in my case). One needs just the right amount of time, though, to – how can I put it – "collect" oneself.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Gather oneself
Yes. Yes. Yes. Gather oneself back into one coherent piece. Believe I know all about it and I thought I was the only one. m
By the sounds of it, you,
By the sounds of it, you, Catherine and I could be the founding members of a new club.
New Club.
I love the sound of it, Katherine! Most of my research has been an observation of the pain and joys with "Words of comfort?!" It started a long time ago at the age of 26 years old. Sadly, it was a devastating experience that follows me everywhere, even today. But you're right on cue! If there is anything that you and Mary can offer, in the way of helpfulness; I'm all ears.
Many who are very close to me have actually fallen into a state of depression, due to others letting them ramble on and just agreeing with them. However, without taking careful consideration to the consequences and keeping them in their place of pain; there's no healing on both sides. There's so much more on this that it continues to move me with passion. I think it's something important to talk about.
Post back in 2009: http://redroom.com/member/catherine-nagle/blog/vow-of-emotional-interdependence
Truly,
Catherine
Hello, Catherine. Thank you
Hello, Catherine. Thank you so much for directing me to your post. I'm glad you did. I have left comments.
Good Morning, Katherine!
It's 5:30 am here. I actually went right to your lovely post this morning because I needed to elaborate a little more in my last response. I hope you reread it again this morning? If not, please do. And if you wanted to share experiences, so we might help one another, I would love to hear them. :-)
It's now 10.40 a.m. here. I
It's now 10.40 a.m. here. I only saw your latest comment this morning, since you may have posted it after I went to bed, last night. Thank you very much for your kind and constructive suggestion. I will most definitely bear it in mind. I do not, however, have all that much experience in this field. I used to be a complementary medicine practitioner (reflexology) and clients would share things with me – but that was a long time ago, when I was younger, much less experienced but also much more patient. Let us definitely keep this space open for both of us – and anyone else who would also like to contribute.
There used to be another
There used to be another rescuer trick.
'I understand how you feel!' Said with deep sincerity.
As I recall, this required more than nutella.
Yes – I forgot about that
Yes – I forgot about that one. Thank you for reminding me, Ashen :–)
best medicine
Acknowledging someone's distress is always the best medicine. It allows the troubled to feel heard and understood, as opposed to dismissed and irrelevent. Even if (especially if) the friend doesn't have the answer to remedy the pain, which is most often the situation. Acknowledge first, Nutella second. I'm going to remember this the next time a friend needs an ear.
I also wanted to remind the "hibernators" among us, that although it seems like the easiest, least intrusive thing to do, studies show that people who have close friends/family to whom they reach out in times of distress heal much faster. This is true of emotional and physical set-backs. So don't shut yourself off to your support group (you know who the real ones are), they're the best medicine! (especially if they come with the Nutella... have you tried spreading Nutella on pretzel thins?)
Yes, I've read that
Yes, I've read that statistic, too. It makes perfect sense... If you have the luxury of a support network of people who accept your views and choices without trying to change them too much. Never tried Nutella on pretzel thins... Will do, though. Another comforter can be Manchego cheese with quince jelly. Thank you or commenting, Eva. Good to meet you :–)
I agree those words are the best medicine.
Especially, since we all feel the pain of being dismissed too many times!
I have one friend who I can rest assured is my greatest blessing to share these things with. She is my support group, among the many books that I read. However, I still wait, (close to, but not actually hibernate) three days in prayer or meditation, before sharing my despair with her. Oddly, this works the best for healing my distress much faster. Otherwise, if I express my pain while I'm still in it, I find that most of the times, I am somewhat disappointed at the end of our conversations, as if, I should feel better now, or feel some kind of a closure, when I actually experience greater pain explaining my distress, and more setbacks. Whenever, I wait the three days, I feel refreshed and renewed, and can handle the distress when it's brought around again with a new heart.
Again, in my observations: There are too many ( those that are not the real ones, as you spoke above) who cling to a listening ear that they know is pleasantly agreeable and understanding, but who keep them in their conflict, and sometimes causing more harm to others. It's not easy at times to speak the truth. That is the reason, I have to wait and take those three days for refreshment... and then the Nutella! :-) XO
Thank you, Eva, for sharing your wisdom. I am passionate about this topic that I've had the most difficult time with all my life.
Truly, Catherine
Thank you, once again, for
Thank you, once again, for your thought-provoking comments, Catherine.
Depth and Humor
Your welcome, Katherine!
Your post is the perfect example of good healthy humor, which shows such depth, wisdom, and the warmest understanding of your great big heart that you keep open. :-) Thank YOU!
Truly,
Catherine
Love this!
Dear, dear Katherine,
I am just catching up on your last several posts. As a theatre person, your posy ring post was absolutely enchanting. As a lover of sarcasm, this post had me laughing aloud in the coffee shop. The voice of your writing brings me much joy. Thank you for being you!
All the best,
Jill
Thank YOU for your lovely
Thank YOU for your lovely encouragement, Jill. SO glad you liked my poesy ring post. I enjoyed every word I wrote of it.