A few of my favorite Erma Bombeck quotes to help celebrate Mother's Day:
Spend at least one Mother's Day with your prospective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation.
If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply, "No", she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," and hangs up.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.
Causes Kate Marshall Supports
Project Second Chance, an adult literacy program run by the Contra Costa County Library system in California.