January 22, 2011
I lost my life spirit and don't know how to get it back. I have given up chocolate and done a good job there. I have lost some weight. I feel restless yet sad. I feel alone. I am alone. I have not one person in my life that I can confide in. Not one person who really would miss me if i died today. yet, my little brother, who was loved by many died at 48 on December 2, 2010. That sucks.
I want to live. I know my weight is a major reason I remain depressed. yet, i do little to change it. It's like some part of me refuses to change. But why? When i know that life would be better if i were thinner? Why would I just allow myself to remain this blob?
I don't know. I feel blah. A few weeks ago my mother asked me if i was still taking my meds. How depressing. Is that what happens when i allow my feelings out? All of a sudden people think I'm a freak and need medicated back into submission? Submission....thats a whole other topic. :)
There is indeed a part of me that feels i am locked into this mold that I don't know how to escape. I want out. yet i battle this alone. i want to start smoking again even though i quit about 5 years ago. I want to drink, even though I know if i do it will interfere with my meds. So i keep from doing those two things but yet am still miles from my goal of living again.
I have been on here since 2009, yet, i don't have a single email. how depressing. i do have a couple responses to blog entries which i really appreciated.
I could write anything here and no one would ever know it because no one cares to read my shit...why should they.