The ending is the toughest part of any good novel or television show. Star Wars pulled it off, so did Gone With the Wind. But they are the only two examples I can think of. How then, one should ask, can anyone pull off a good ending in life. Oh no, please don’t worry, my life isn’t going to end, much to the dismay and annoyance of some people. However the plan is to have one last blast of unadulterated Joshness and that quietly slip away into nothing , to find that calm security that being that subject person of whom the following conversation revolves around:
A: Have you seen Josh recently ?
B: No not really hadn’t even thought of him at all until you mentioned him. Is that a new pair of socks you wearing?
A: Why yes they are. I got them on sale last week.
B: Oh I could use a new pair of socks, they are an especially stylish pair of normal white athletic socks.
A: Oh but they are , and getting them so comfortable looking was part of a devious plot to make you jealous.
B: And jealous I am.
One might say “ Josh you have a huge ego to think anyone would want to read about you day in and day out, that is 365 blogs you are going to be writing” Ego is something I have always had. The only difference between me and your typical narcissist is that I freely admit that I have an ego that is required to be fed , loved, and rubbed on its tummy 24 hours a day. Actually the tummy rubbing, love and feeding should be at least 26 hours a day . Narcissists don’t admit this and that is why they have a personality disorder, they pretend to be humble and I am not sure what the exact concept of humility means. When I think of humility usually have the “Hey” fight song starts playing in the my head. So I am not a typical a typical narcissist.
In truth, in the end this is about keeping promise, a promise I made to myself. Promises we make to ourselves are the most important ones to keep. Yet those are the most difficult to keep because we can cheat . We promise to lose weight and find many reasons why we can’t. Some people make promises to quit smoking and they don’t. We always fulfill promises we make to others but time after time fail terribly and doing the same with ourselves. So this is my promise I made to myself and it was to write something so amazing , so great that people would wait anxiously for the next part to come out. This is what I am doing. I am writing something that will define a generation. If you write and your point is to not be heard then you missed the point of writing.
After living a train wreck of a life I am going to do something my friends can be proud of. I am going to write something that will help people who have a hard life realize that their life too has value. I have had great friends who have always believed that I had something special even when I was bruised and battered and face down in the mud. Because to have faith in me, even after every failure and every humiliation takes a unshakeable belief of enormous proportions. A faith , sometimes by people that I have not seen in a decade or more , that I want to show was not misplaced.
There was once a ad for the US Navy that asked if a movie was made about your life would anyone watch it. I took it as a personal challenge and tried to give myself that life. I often take things on TV as a personal challenge, the most painful one being Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping” , which has ended many a party early for me once the singer starts listing the songs that I need to drink right then and there shot by shot as he lists them.
So here it begins and ends at the same time. It might be something awesome like the last episode of M*A*S*H or it could be a complete head scratcher like the last episode of Seinfeld, an episode which manage to tarnish every good memory its fans had of the comedy. Either way in a year when it is done I will slip into a normal life. Find a quiet job, wake up at 6 am and go to sleep at 9pm. Live in the quiet peace that I have always promised myself and promptly ignored when the siren call of another adventure filled the air.
When it is over I hope I produced something good. Some laughs for strangers and friends alike. Some hope for people who have it worse than I do. If the world is a little a better then when I started writing, then I would have accomplished what I hoped to accomplish. If it fails then I simply have a Theodore Roosevelt quote to give me solace:
“... The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”