As an officer of civil and humanitarian matters I am frequently obliged to make regrettably impertinent introductions such as this one. I should very much prefer social and professional engagements of a happier kind to be my only intercourse, and optimistically perform my distateful duties in anticipation of a sunny spring morning when no further intrusions of this nature are necessary.
You undoubtedly are aware of the giant invisible carnivorous sloth tax and the expedient end toward which all revenue collected under its auspices is put. The duchess naturally takes great pride in the reduced number and severity of casualties documented since the enactment of the tax, and wishes to express her immense gratitude for your compliance in this matter. Your payment in full of three hundred and seventy nine dollars and twenty three cents is now overdue.
Furthermore, it has come to our attention that you, at the age of eight and with fully developed conscience, intentionally broke a magnifying glass that your neighborhood friend Micah had recieved for his birthday and silently allowed his sister to be blamed, in violation of the retroactive appropriate sense of guilt act. The committee has ruled against you and since no appeal has been filed, your sentence will be carried out in due course. Please remain quietly in your single windowed room until such time as you are dispatched by public assassin.
Hoping this finds you well in body and spirit, I remain your most humble servant,