1. In a blinding, road-to-Dasmacus kind of moment, people everywhere will realize that:
a) celebrities are no more interesting than anyone else simply because they're famous
b) the fact that they suffer from weight fluctuations, relationship problems, and addictions is not actually news.
2. Media everywhere will refrain from telling me what person X tweeted. If I really want to know, I'll revive my moribund Twitter account and find out myself. Few 140-character messages have the value of one good haiku.
3. Sarah Palin will be attacked and mldly gnawed by an enraged marmot while shooting a sequence for her "nature" reality show.
4.The former President of the Ivory Coast will admit he was just, like, pranking, and submit to the democratic will of his electorate.
5. Sports fans everywhere will spontaneously give up their vuvuzuelas and start wearing T-shirts that proclaim in the language of their choice "Sports is just entertainment! It's got nothing to do with with one nation being better than another."
6. Fox News, in another effort to boost ratings, changes its name to Foxy News and replaces all existing anchors and commentators with former cheerleaders, Hooters waitresses, and retired porn stars.
7. Those who deny global warming on behalf of major petrochemical industries will have to adopt and keep in their homes a displaced polar bear.
8. In a trendsetting move, Heidi Montaug will start replacing all her surgical enhancements with real human parts donated by her adoring fans -- all two of them.
9. Justin Bieber's voice will break.
10. The entired automobile industry, tiring of rounded alien-eyed forms once described as "looking like angry kitchen appliances," will produce only one model -- a modern hybrid chassis proudly wearing the body of a Studebaker Land Cruiser.
2011. Teens will discover the latest trend in low-cost, recyclable communications technology: a good book.
And what are your wishes (other than that, probably, I would shut up)?
Causes John Oughton Supports
PEN International, Amnesty International, League of Canadian Poets, POR AMOR, Greenpeace