CHARACTERS
Alan, mid 30s
Maria, late 20s

SETTING
Time: The present
Place: An upstairs bedroom 

AT RISE: FAINT MUSIC.  A door on one side of the stage.  A bed in the center, covered by a pile of coats. Beside the bed a table and lamp.  On the back wall a sliding door, covered by drapes, leading to a balcony.  The bedroom is empty, dimly lit by the bedside lamp.

After a long moment, the door flies open.  MUSIC LOUDER. A moment later ALAN stumbles into the room, clutching a beer. He looks around in a daze.

Stepping further into the room, he faces front, and stands for a moment in a bit of a stupor.  Looking down, he sees the bottle in his hand, raises it to eye level to check how much is left, then gulps down the contents.  He moves toward the bed, pushes the coats back a bit, sits down, tips the bottle back again to get the last drops, then tries to set the empty bottle on the table,missing once or twice before he finds the surface at last and sets it down. Then he lies back on the coats, hands behind his head.

ALAN
Well, this is very restful.

 He sits up, turns toward the door and stares at it for a moment. Then rises, moves to the door, sticks his head through.  Stepping back, he closes door.  MUSIC SOFTER.  He moves about unsteadily, stops by the drapes. Peeling them apart, he discovers a sliding door, opens it, and steps through, drapes closing behind him.

ALAN
Ah, a balcony!

Slowly the bedroom door opens again. MUSIC LOUDER.  MARIA sticks her head through, peers about, then steps into room, a bottle of tequila in one hand and a clutch purse in the other.  She looks around, shrugs, turns, and walks back out the door.

Stepping back into the room, she flips on the light, closes the door, and
halts just inside.  MUSIC SOFTER.

MARIA
Hello?  Hello?  Anybody here?

She shrugs, makes her way to the edge of the bed, and sits down heavily in the space Alan had made. Sticking the bottle in her crotch, she opens the purse and peers inside. As she tilts the purse toward the light, the bottle shifts precariously between her thighs.

ALAN steps back through the drapes, then slides the door shut behind him.

ALAN
Well, that was refreshing.

MARIA, startled, starts to leap up, remembers the bottle and grabs it.  In the process, she drops the purse, spilling its contents on the floor.

MARIA
Jesus, you scared the fuck out of me!

ALAN
Sorry.
(Aside.)
I hope not.

MARIA
(Composes herself.)
Well, you should be.

 She holds up the bottle, peers at it, then tips it back and takes a gulp.

ALAN
But didn’t I hear you call out?

MARIA
The point being?

ALAN
(Steps forward.)
Well, I mean, you were expecting to find me here, no?  So I wasn’t expecting you . . . to be startled.

MARIA
Gag me with a spoon.

ALAN
I beg your pardon.

MARIA
(Belches.)

No, I beg your pardon.
(Puzzled.)
Why were you begging my pardon?

ALAN
No, it’s just........ I think you may have . . . misused that expression.

MARIA
I see.  Well.  That’s embarrassing.  I should be begging your pardon then.  Or did I?

ALAN
Throw me down the stairs my shoes.

MARIA
What?

ALAN
I’m trying to put you at ease.

MARIA
By . . . ?

ALAN
Misusing an expression in kind.

Silence

MARIA
Kind.

ALAN
Oh, it’s nothing really.  I just didn’t want you to feel--

MARIA
No. I meant what you said.  “In kind.”

ALAN
You meant what I said?  Meant what about it exactly?

MARIA
No, it’s just, I mean.  Well, there’s an expression for you! 

(Belches.)

Now that makes me feel at ease.

ALAN
Really?  Well, whatever works.

MARIA
Gets you through the night.

ALAN
That, too.

MARIA rises, triumphant, holds up bottle like a Statue of Liberty torch.

MARIA
Whatever works gets you through the night!

ALAN regards her skeptically.

MARIA
What?

ALAN
Well, I think you just put two expressions together there.

Maria gives him a look, then tips back the bottle and takes another gulp.

ALAN (CONT’D)
Not that I mind, mind you.

MARIA
(Mocking.)
Mind mind you?

ALAN
Do I repeat myself.  Very well, then, I repeat myself.  Who said that?

MARIA
Duh. You did.

ALAN
No, I mean originally.

MARIA
Originally?  Like in pre-history?

ALAN
What famous person?

MARIA
Famous?  In pre-history?

ALAN
Gertrude Stein!

MARIA
Never heard of her. What period of pre-history is she from?

ALAN
She was a woman--

MARIA
I figured as much.

ALAN
--writer of the last century.

MARIA giggles.

ALAN
What’s so funny about that?

MARIA
Well, how is that possible? I mean, if it was we wouldn’t be here . . . in this century, now would we?

ALAN
I’m afraid I don’t follow.

MARIA
But the centuries do. 
(Pause.)
Why are we here?

ALAN
Here?  On Earth?  I’m not sure I’m prepared to answer that.

MARIA sits back down on the bed, starts to set the bottle down on the floor, then holds it out to him instead.

MARIA
Drink?  I think you might need one.

 ALAN hesitates, then takes bottle, drinks, dangles bottle at his side.

MARIA waits for bottle, hand held out. ALAN notices at last and gives it back.

MARIA, banging it down on the table, knocks over his beer bottle in the process, then flops down on her back.

ALAN stands over her awkwardly, uncertain whether to join her in bed.

MARIA
Did I spill your beer?

Copyright 2008   John Menaghan

707 Palms Blvd., Venice, CA 90291

310-338-3043

menaghan@yahoo.com