The left has renewed an old strategy: Global warming is a national security threat. Apparently, they felt the fear was wearing off, so they needed to add some new scare tactics into the World is Going to End campaign. Oh, and according to Secretary-General of the UN, Ban Ki-moon Incheon, "Climate change, as all previous speakers have already stated, is the fundamental threat to humankind," and we only have four months to save our planet.
Wow. That guy makes Al Gore look sane.
What we're finding out, though, is that this national security approach is not as crazy as it sounds, but once again, the left is off base. They're saying vulnerable regions will be affected by floods, droughts, and other natural phenomena that could require US humanitarian relief and military intervention that could, in turn, weaken our national defense - because we've never had to spread our military around the globe before in humanitarian efforts. This is all - and please forgive my language - hogwash. I know, I know, I'll try to curb my tongue.
What the left has left out of their argument, though, is that empires and dynasties have toppled due to the weather. Here are the facts:
1) Genghis Kahn was brought down by sleet;
2) Macedonia fell due to a brisk wind;
3) Tom Cruise's acting career faltered after it rained toads (okay, come on, you didn't see Magnolia?)
In fact, this fall, a terrifying documentary is being released that shows just what brought down the Roman Empire and why we're looking at the frightening prospect of repeating history.
We must stop Global Warming now! Only 4 months to save the world and avoid death by French Toast!
And, if I was a pessimistic man, that would mean I could stop worrying about healthcare, because in four months, we might be well beyond the need of health insurance. People will be drowning in the streets and starving to death as crops are destroyed by drought. However, just on the off-chance that the world doesn't end in four months, I decided to sit down with a neighbor of mine who is a medical doctor and ask him a few questions about the proposed healthcare bill.
Me: Welcome, Doctor.
Doctor: Thanks for having me.
Me: Look, I'm going to get right into it. How many tonsils have you removed that didn't need to be removed, how many feet have you amputated just to make a buck?
Doctor: Um, I'm a general practitioner. I don't do either of those things.
Me: I don't mean to call you a liar, Doctor - if that's your real name - but our President - yes, our PRESIDENT - said that if one of your diabetic patients had his foot amputated, it was probably because you didn't treat him as well as you needed to, figuring you would make a ton of money off the amputation.
Doctor: Well, that's ludicrous. Even if it was the case, I wouldn't make any money off the amputation, a surgeon would.
Me: From whom you'd receive a kickback. No pun intended. See, cause you can't really kick if you don't have a foot...
Doctor: Yeah, I got it and no, I would not receive a kickback. That is both illegal and unethical. I took an oath.
Me: Haha. An oath. Come on, so did the President, but that hasn't stopped him. Now, stop trying to change the subject, I'll ask the questions here!
Doctor: Um, okay.
Me: So, now, we've chopped off a foot, sliced out some tonsils. Where do you go from there? I mean, the insurance companies - evil insurance companies, I might add - make a ton of money off that, right?
Doctor: Actually, it's my understanding that insurance companies only make a 3.3% profit. A much smaller percentage than many other industries.
Me: But you admit, you DO make a profit!
Doctor: Well, yeah.
Me: Which you obviously use to enslave the poor.
Doctor: Actually, I'm still repaying student loans. I have a mortgage. Car payments. College savings.
Me: And indentured servants.
Doctor: No! I don't have any indentured servants.
Me: Well, I don't believe a word of it. We all know the government should pay your mortgage, your car payments, your kids' college, and forgive your loans. If you weren't so greedy, maybe we could get to that point.
Me: Speechless. True sign of guilt, Mr. Doctor. Now, do you realize that if you weren't so selfish, your money could be paying for some other child to go to college.
Doctor: But it's my...
Doctor: MY money.
Me: Tomato, to-mah-to.
Doctor: I worked hard for it. Why shouldn't it go to my children?
Me: Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
Doctor: Okay, I think we're finished.
Me: Fine, but can I give you a piece of advice?
Me: Stop paying back your loans. We're all going to die of global warming in four months anyway.
For some reason, I was then shown the door, but it was for the better. I didnt' really get to discuss healthcare with him, but I don't think I really want to hear the opinion of that racist, right-wing extremist, seal-cub killer.
Now, if only Al Gore would kick it up a notch...
(Note: All names - except Al Gore's and that guy from the UN, locations, and dialogue - except anything accredited to the President or that guy from the UN - has been either changed or completely made up to protect the innocent).
J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, a 9/11 survivor's tale. Jim survived 9/11 but his life did not. Follow one man's journey through post-traumatic stress as he attempts to rediscover what once made life worth living. 10% of profits from sales of Paranoia will be donated to the Twin Towers Orphan Fund (www.ttof.org). For more information, visit www.jebraun.com