where the writers are
BTW, I Need a New GPS, ASAP. LOL. WTF?
AUGUST SPECIAL: Instead of 10% of profit, I will donate $1 for every copy of Paranoia sold in August to the Twin Towers Orphan Fund (www.ttof.org).

Ironically, my GPS is lost.

Sure, I should probably say it is 'missing' or that I lost it, but knowing my luck, it is sitting in the dark - wherever it is - thinking, "If only I had some sort of map..."

True, this would require my GPS to be an unintelligent intelligent being, but stranger things have happened. And, with my luck, should I be the person to own the first GPS system to become self-aware, it will be a moron. That's just how things go.

Something is odd about the whole situation (which hearkens back to the TiVo remote control saga of approximately one year ago, which can be read HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE, respectively). We used the GPS the night of the scavenger hunt I wrote about. We never removed it from my brother's car. When he dropped us off at home, I took the GPS out of his car. Shortly after that, I remember seeing the power cord and my phone charger, which I had also brought along, resting on our kitchen counter. I thought, "Hmm. Where's the GPS?" It hasn't been seen again. Somewhere between my driveway and my kitchen, it disappeared. Most likely into some interdimensional wormhole torn in the fabric of time and space (come on, it's been a long time since I've blamed anything on a wormhole). By all accounts, retrieving things from interdimensional wormholes is difficult.

The loss of my GPS coupled with the TiVo remote saga should teach me that I should not be allowed to own small, portable technology. It is guaranteed to get lost.

Or washed, as may have recently happened to a certain iPod that was left in a certain pocket on a certain someone's pair of shorts.

There's something to be said for the old ways of doing thigns. If I'd had a Sony Walkman, I never would have left it in my shorts. Hell, it would have never made it into my shorts (that's what she said). A Rand-McNally road atlas go missing? Please. One of those old cable boxes attached to the TV by a cord? Wouldn't have spent four days searching for it, that's for sure. New, smaller technology may have its advantages, but I've found that it is also my sworn enemy.

And technology keeps shrinking. EW magazine (Entertainment Weekly for those of you less hip than, say, me...) will be running VIDEO ads for CBS, not online, but in their magazine! I, at first questioned this, asking two very important questions:

1) Who won't pay $3.99 for a magazine that's got a 42" Flatscreen TV attached, and
2) How many will they really be able to fit on the newstand?

But, apparently, I missed the point. The video screens will be REALLY, REALLY small. This does not bode well for me who will, most likely never get to read the magazine because I will either lose it or wash it. Then I'll have to buy another one, which will be lost or washed. And so on and so forth.

Little video screens in print media. Is anybody else picturing Harry Potter? Really? Yeah, ever since somebody sent me a picture of his nude scene in Equus under the guise that they were family vacation photos, that disturbing image has been etched into my brain.

What? The print media in the Harry Potter movies had moving pictures in it? Wow, what a coincidence - cause I was just talking about that. Huh.

Anyway, we'll have to see how all that works out for me, but in the meantime, my GPS is still missing. Should you see a GPS wandering the street drooling on itself, please let me know. It's probably mine.

August Special: For the month of August, rather than 10% of profits of sales of Paranoia being donated to the Twin Towers Orphan Fund (www.ttof.org), I will donate $1 for every book sold. Please spread the word. The fund is a great cause. For more information, visit www.jebraun.com.

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, a 9/11 survivor's tale. Jim survived 9/11 but his life did not. Follow one man's struggles through post-traumatic stress as he attempts to rediscover what once made life worth living.