Okay, the above title is a mantra, usually one I say after I've cursed somebody (someone not actually in my presence) for something he or she did in the past. I'll be cleaning the bathroom, washing the dishes, running, shopping, and I will run smack dab into a memory. It will stop me. It will introduce itself, show me, once again, the entire humiliating, sad, pathetic, awful facts of itself, and then leave.
That's when I say something awful, out loud, to no one by myself (hopefully. Sometimes I think I make mistakes and actually curse in the shower at the gym or next to another shopper).
So, one, I wasn't in the the now. If I had been in the now, I would have minded the water, the soap, the feel of the razor on my shin. I would have breathed in the water vapor, the heat. I would have seen the back of my lids as I rinsed my hair.
Two, I wasn't forgiving that person I was swearing at. I was hating him all over again, hating the situation, feeling pretty stupid about something I did or didn't do.
And three, I wasn't forgiving anyone, especially myself. I still seem to be holding myself accountable for something that happened in 1985, 1993, or last year. Maybe even yesterday. So I was not only way out of the now, flinging like a time traveler in one of my novels, making visits to the past and the future (where I managed to get even). Somewhere, after I swear, I land in the now and feel badly about the whole trip down ugly memory lane.
I don't know the cure for this for me, though I know the cures. Meditation. Detachment. Prayer. Truth is, I suck at meditation. Once, I fell asleep and imagined for a minute I'd actually gone to Nirvana. Nope, I was drooling.
But I'm working on it. I practice when I am at the gym, on a hard machine, thinking about the next exercise and then the next, imagining that I will be done. I make myself focus on where I am now, the muscles that are straining, the movement of my whole body, the feel of the dumbbell in my hands. I stay in that exercise until it's done. When I'm running, I don't think about being home already but on the next step and the next.
I am successful for a few minutes at a time, but it's a start, I think. I have hope. I have hope I'll stop swearing while I'm scrubbing the toilet, shopping for clothes, showering. I have hope for being exactly where I am, forgiving all those old trespasses, letting go for once and for all and forever.
Causes Jessica Inclán Supports
Women for Women International Goodwill Industries Lindsey Wildlife Museum Freecycle.org