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Do You Ever Still Feel Five?

Here's my question.  If you thought about it for a while, really considering your reactions to things, the way you view the world, your fears, your insecurities, your joys, your desires, what is your true, core age?  If you had to state the "age" of your inner being, your inner-ness, how "old" in maturity is that core, that being, that essence?

My title suggests I think I'm five, but I truly believe that I am 12, going on thirteen, caught between prepubescence and adolescence, a no-woman's limbo of body and mind.  Insecure about the changes, still clinging onto the old way of being a rough-and-tumble girl playing outside, wanting all the new things that come along with being a woman, scared of the future, enraptured by it.

So think about it.  Find that person in you.  How old are you?  And how would you treat yourself at that age?  How would you talk to yourself?

And so when I have a hard day or am upset or just overtaken by events, I think about myself at the age I am.  I have in my mind's eyes this photo my mother took of me on the pool deck.  We belonged to a local community club for years, and this photo catches me by the guard shack.  I am sitting on a bench waiting for my workout, legs stretched out (newly shaved legs), worried, I know, that I look fat or wrong, but happy to have the sun shining on me, hoping that maybe, oh maybe, my breasts actually show a little under my Speedo--meaning, I might have some!  I smile, wistfully, as if I know I can never go back and really don't want to.  But I might want a trap door, a way back inside.  I smile, looking at my mother, hoping for the best, which I can't know is certainly about twenty years away.  The worst is actually about to happen.  But the 12 year old doesn't know that.  She holds the fragile egg of hope in front of her, her legs stretched out, her smile wan, growing, click.

There I am.  I should be nice to her when I have hard days.  I shouldn't beat her up over things so much.  She can barely shave her legs (look at those nicks!)

Let's go swimming, I should say.  Let's go now!



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Thanks for asking the question as I thought I was one of the few people who did not feel mature.

When I moved to the US from Taiwan via Japan, I was ancient compared to my classmates.  We had little and I knew I had to help my folks.

But that was decades and decades ago.  These days, when I am tired or disappointed, I feel like a child of 8 who has lost her parents in a crowded flea market and on the verge of bawling.


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Our inner core

I always wonder about the wounds of certain ages, why they pull us back. 

I wonder about the word maturity, though--is it mature to feel old or mature to feel young?

There's another question I can' t answer!


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Every once in a while I will be walking home from shopping at Urban Market with my cool urban Urban Market Bags with fresh whatever it is in it. Just walking up the street. I have heard me do this:

OH MY GOD! It's so cool to be GROWN! I know I'm going home with MY bags of food...to MY house..to MY GUY...and hop in MY Shower bathe...and then watch whatever I WANT on televsion.

My inner child is fourteen.

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It's the "I can do whatever

It's the "I can do whatever I want to!" feeling!  Yes!


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Don't Be Afraid of Your Freedom

I've exulted in that feeling (especially lately), but more often, it's been kind of terrifying. "I can do whatever I want... oh, NO! Mommy mommy, what am I supposed to want to do?"   What inner age am I then? 

Huntington Sharp, Red Room

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This rings of either toddler

This rings of either toddler of teenager--take your pick!


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Hmmm What age indeed.

Hi I'm Kev. You know I never really thought about it before but I would love to think I was still full of wonder and excitement, about the age of eight I suppose, but childhood for me was a dark time. I had to grow up quick as things happened around me that made it that way.
I wonder if that's why when I write now it takes me to a happy age and a happy place. Writing can do that, as I'm sure your aware. Do we actually grow up or do we just become more experienced? I know our bodies grow and age but our thoughts don't. Some of my thoughts have been with me all my life and have not changed. In fact several of them are inspiration for new novels.

It's such an interesting question. My father who is 69 yrs old says he feels no different today than he did 60 yrs ago. I will ponder this more and get back to you again. Thank you so much Jessica.