I have already written about flying on airplanes, so I won't bore you with what I wish would happen when I fly or what does actually happen in terms of people. It is tedious and relentless, so I thought I would expound a little on what I learned yesterday from our TV culture while watching the itty bitty television on the seat in front of me for five hours. I think this is the best form of passenger control that the airlines have concocted. We will stay under the headphones to avoid human contact, and by some miracle, the flight ends. And as the wheels touch down, we are repositories of what E!, Bravo, Animal Planet, CNBC, and The Food Network have to offer. Gone are the plans to read The Aeneid or the collected works of Alexandre Dumas. How could I when I could learn the following (and don't feel bad if you don't know who any of the people below are. It took me a while to figure some of it out myself):
1) Bruce Jenner has had a great deal of plastic surgery.
2) Bruce Jenner has 6 natural children and four stepchildren.
3) One of his stepchildren has the world's most attractive asses. Trust me, I heard it from her own lips. And I saw it. Kim Kardashian has made her millions based on her ass.
4) Kim Kardashian's father was Robert, he of OJ Simpson defense.
5) Mario Lopez and Karina Smirnoff broke up. Mario is a dog, flirting terribly with many a vixen. Mario Lopez used to be on a show called Saved By the Bell.
(Check the flight's progress. Still over Oklahoma. Turn back to channel, check again. At least we've left Texas. Maybe one day we will make it to Utah.)
6) Heath Ledger was depressed for many years.
7) Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban had a baby named Sunday Rose. Tomkat and Suri sent them a big basket of goodies.
8) The new season of The Closer is upon us.
9) Believe it or not, the third Mummy movie will be out soon.
(Pick up People magazine. Read article about Christie Brinkley, whose husband spent 3,000 dollars a month on porn. Read about the same man pushing child's head into a bucket full of water. Turn page.)
10) You can make a salad using Cool Whip and coconut.
(Go to the bathroom again. Walk up the aisle for a quick, brisk walk. Hit a few elbows. Mumble apologies.)
11) Paula Deen seems to have a thing for very young men who like to rub chickens.
(Nevada! Thank god. It's minus 51 degrees outside. Hope plane doesn't break.)
12) Some dogs do not attack the pound workers who come to collect them.
13) Bad things are happening in the economy. Quick, turn the channel.
14) Big alligators are scary
(California! Oh, thank god. Watch more about Heath Ledger until the little plane is hovering over San Francisco.)
15) Heath Ledger dated beautiful women.
(Go back to map. Watch as it says 1 minute to arrival. Pull off headphones. Weep.)
Barely alive, brain mush, I struggled off the plane, vowing never, ever, ever again. Not without Valium or Bose earphones or a first class ticket. And I am on a media diet. No channels of any kind of a long time. At least, until I get on the plane for San Diego Friday night.
Causes Jessica Inclán Supports
Women for Women International Goodwill Industries Lindsey Wildlife Museum Freecycle.org