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(Psychologist Nathan Bloome in preparation for a presentation before the Newcastle Institute For The Incredibly Inane or NIFTII, sketched out his notes for the seminar. Following is a portion of those notes.)
Patient: Darnell Peavy-
Patient was ostracized and believed he was living in a vacuum…an upright. He was struggling to pull himself out of the doldrums but wasn’t clear on what doldrums were. He has alienated friends and family claiming they all assume that anyone living in a vacuum isn’t worth knowing. Peavy attempted to break the vacuum by looking inward but believed his intestines were grotesque. The vacuum has since picked up a hairball and all suction was lost freeing Peavy to experience his life to the fullest. He is determined never again to suffer the indignities of living in a vacuum but has decided to move into his refrigerator.
Patient: Darryl Silvey-
Patient Silvey is despondent over the breakup of his marriage. As a birthday gift he had the star “Pentarious Major” named after his wife Cheryl. Unfortunately the star went supernova and turned into a black hole that began attacking a neighboring galaxy, pulling it into its’ magnetic core. Silvey’s marriage was in a sense sucked down said black hole, which is now named “Cheryl Major.”
Patient: Angela Tote-
Angela Tote is a ship’s deck hand who found ultimate arousal with a giant squid. Tote took the squid, which she named Perry, into her cabin and into her bathing tub filled with tepid seawater. Angela played out her purulent fantasies with the squid which had the ability to find her G-spot and several other spots concurrently causing Tote to go into spasms of multiple orgasm. Angela's tryst with Perry was short lived. The squid’s only reward for all his button pushing was an occasional pickled herring from a large jar Tote kept stashed under her bunk. It wasn't enough to sustain the relationship and it soured.
Patient: Marie Tourquet-
Tourquet is fixated on body parts of the rich and famous. She was arrested for slicing the nose off the wax likeness of Marlon Brando at a wax museum in Paris. Upon further investigation authorities searched her apartment which was kept at a chilly 45 degrees to preserve her stash. Wax body parts were carefully categorized. Copies of Dolly Parton's breasts and David Bowie's mismatched eyeballs were tacked to a wall display and labeled “left” and “right”. After serving her sentence of six months she was referred to my office. Still in therapy she now makes rubber body parts for transvestite conventions. Her latest product is a perfect replication of Julia Roberts’s teeth.
Patient: Claire Speese-
Patient Speese is a thirty-five year old female who sells real estate out of the back seat of a Ford Edsel and has taken to eating only bananas and potato peels. She refuses to work in an office believing it stifles her sales abilities even though she has never closed a sale. When we suggested she change locations she agreed and moved into the front seat and has decided to rent out the back seat in an effort to make ends meet.
Patient: Milo Beason-
Milo Beason came to me in identity crisis. When Beason was twenty-seven he teetered on the cusp of Jack Kerouac and Ken Kesey but he fell off and was run over by the Merry Prankster's bus. Milo was a strange hybrid of existential angst wrapped around a street sign at Haight and Ashbury, a strange place to live without a pillow. At the age of thirty he became the next best thing to being “Beat” and became a “Bippy”. In 2000 Beason was found sleeping with a mangy Shih Tzu under a lamppost in Lahaina, Hawaii. He came to me searching for the virginity he lost in San Francisco in 1965.
Patient: Vincent Van Gold-
Van Gold is an artist who believes he lives in a parallel universe with Vincent Van Gogh. Van Gold shaved off his eyebrows in desperation over his failure to capture the hue of a Saguaro Cactus at sunset. Not being able to afford absinth he attempted to drown his despair in hot cocoa.
Patient: Ramon Garcia-
Patient Garcia suffers deep depression over a lost melon. He discovered said melon, which, he claimed, bore the image of Christ. As it turned out the image was not Christ but over a period days took on the likenesses of Jeffrey Hunter, Teddy Roosevelt and Elvis.
Patient: Harrison Burch-
Mr. Burch sought my help because he was becoming overloaded by societal and technical stimuli. Overwrought with news reports and inane aural and visual input he became agitated when news was on television or talk radio was broadcast. I suggested a retreat of some sort to relax the pressure. Mr. Burch took my advice and became catatonic.
Patient: Randall Tims
Tims came to me initially concerning his lack of sleep. He indicated that his teeth were picking up radio broadcasts and were keeping him awake. His bicuspids were carrying on conversations with his molars and his wisdom teeth were bringing in secret ciphers between NATO headquarters and the United Arab Emerites. Since our first meeting Tims has trained his mouth to accept broad spectrum broadcasts from both radio and television and can change stations by adjusting his overbite.
(Full workups of these documented cases can be purchased upon request.)
Nathan Bloome, Ph.D
Causes Jerry Blair Supports
National SPCA, National Parks, Lindsay Wildlife Museum